Saturday, December 4, 2010

state of being

Had a blessed few minutes this morning of being unself-conscious.  Of being unself.  Of being.  I wasn't doing centering prayer or anything to get to that state.  I just sat down in my "prayer space" and I was there - one with God, no worries, no self talk that usually runs in the back of my mind (I don't pray enough, I don't exercise enough, etc. etc.).  It was a tremendous gift, but the gratitude for it didn't last long.  Pretty soon I was getting down on myself again because I'm not unself-conscious more often.  And that takes you right back to self-consciousness and ego worship.  Aaahhh, I'm back.  I'm familiar with this place.  But I hate it.  And that feeds it.  Ever tried to make yourself not think about yourself?  Yeah, it's a mess.

Which is the point - I can't make myself do/be anything.  Take being centered and unself-conscious, for example: I can participate in the prayer, relaxing, etc. but it also depends upon God's participation, his gift of that time and space.  His grace.  I grew up as and in some cases still am a white, Protestant, American from the midwest.  It's in my blood to try to achieve something, by myself, by working hard.  It's difficult to let my self go.  I've put that burden, that yoke, down a gazillion times, but I keep tripping over it, so it's faster and easier to just carry it and walk, without looking where to place every step, and move on to the next task that must get done and must have my help.  :/  And right there is an example of how writing is so helpful to me - I didn't realize, or I see in a new way, how I've been doing that just-carry-the-burden-and-get-the-job-done thing until I wrote it.  Time to let my self go again and watch where I walk.

By the way, my definition of "self" here is very different from what it used to be.  But I don't feel like writing about that right now.

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