Sunday, May 16, 2010
stupid little brother moment - 2
Then there was the time I was staying at little bro and sis-in-law's house and they accidentally (yeah, right) locked me in the basement; I had to call upstairs from my cell phone so I could go pee.
stupid little brother moment - 1
My brother's response when I told him I went from being considered pretty in junior high (rural public school) to being considered ugly in high school (private, more urban): "Well, Kerri, you've got to remember that your classmates in jr. high worked with a lot of farm animals." He seriously thought he was being helpful by comparing me to livestock. And how is that helpful anyway?!
adventures with pets - Money
Once upon a time I adopted a sweet female Shar Pei we'll call Money. Her owners were moving to a temporary house while they waited for another to be built, and they couldn't take her with them. I should have seen the red flag when they told me none of their relatives or friends wanted her. She was about 3 years old and had never been taken to the vet, so I had him give her the works. (Ka-ching!) After a day or two, I discovered an interesting side to her personality. She FREAKED OUT every time she saw a rabbit, squirrel, cat, or anything small with fur. My couch is by the front window so the dogs can see out, and she must've thought she had front-row seats to an action/horror film - she chewed when she got excited, and she ripped down and ruined my blinds, my curtains including the rod, and she ATE parts of two window frames. Actually ripped off pieces of wood and ate them. She also ripped down blinds by the back door and ate a hole in the carpet. (Ka-ching! Ka-ching!)
But in public she really shone. She is the reason I stopped going to a nearby city park for about a year - I was too embarrassed to show my face. The mildest incident was when we were still in the car and she saw another dog and bit a large chunk out of a headrest in the back seat. The craziest is when she and Chester were running loose in an area enclosed by an 8-foot-high chain-link fence, and when another dog passed by (maybe 20 yards away, not right by) she took a running leap at the fence, landed about 2/3 of the way up, and CLIMBED the rest of the way to get over the fence and run to the dog and his/her elderly (of course) owners. The gate in the fence was way on the other side of the enclosure, so I climbed the fence after her and chased her. This was a sunny day, I don't remember what time, but we had an audience. I grabbed Money's collar when I got to her - the owners were VERY nice, but the man had picked up their little dog to protect her from my monster and the dog had been so scared she'd peed all over the man's shirt.
Eventually I gave up and took Money to the Humane Society. I called her former owners and said she's there if you want her, and they did. If you're a big picture kind of person, I suppose you could look at my role in this whole fiasco as being Money's foster mom until her family could take her back, and someday this will be funny. (Ka-ching!)
But in public she really shone. She is the reason I stopped going to a nearby city park for about a year - I was too embarrassed to show my face. The mildest incident was when we were still in the car and she saw another dog and bit a large chunk out of a headrest in the back seat. The craziest is when she and Chester were running loose in an area enclosed by an 8-foot-high chain-link fence, and when another dog passed by (maybe 20 yards away, not right by) she took a running leap at the fence, landed about 2/3 of the way up, and CLIMBED the rest of the way to get over the fence and run to the dog and his/her elderly (of course) owners. The gate in the fence was way on the other side of the enclosure, so I climbed the fence after her and chased her. This was a sunny day, I don't remember what time, but we had an audience. I grabbed Money's collar when I got to her - the owners were VERY nice, but the man had picked up their little dog to protect her from my monster and the dog had been so scared she'd peed all over the man's shirt.
Eventually I gave up and took Money to the Humane Society. I called her former owners and said she's there if you want her, and they did. If you're a big picture kind of person, I suppose you could look at my role in this whole fiasco as being Money's foster mom until her family could take her back, and someday this will be funny. (Ka-ching!)
blonde moments - 1
Okay, hold on - all the blondes I know happen to be smart, but I like the title - deal with it! Anyway, now that I'm mostly gray, I sort of qualify.
What I said to a clerk when I set off a store's sensor/metal detector and the alarm started beeping: "Ooh! What did I win?" (Yes, I was serious.)
What I said when I took my car to the mechanic because the steering wheel was shaking:
Him: "So you have a shimmy?"
Me: "No, a Toyota."
What I said when a friend handed me a tightly-rolled $100 bill he'd found on the ground at a gas station: "What's all this white powder on it?"
What I said to my neighbor, who works for Roto Rooter, when he came over to see why a RR van was in my driveway: "Hi Bob - I wondered if you'd be working today. Wanna' come in and unclog my pipes?"
What I said to a clerk when I set off a store's sensor/metal detector and the alarm started beeping: "Ooh! What did I win?" (Yes, I was serious.)
What I said when I took my car to the mechanic because the steering wheel was shaking:
Him: "So you have a shimmy?"
Me: "No, a Toyota."
What I said when a friend handed me a tightly-rolled $100 bill he'd found on the ground at a gas station: "What's all this white powder on it?"
What I said to my neighbor, who works for Roto Rooter, when he came over to see why a RR van was in my driveway: "Hi Bob - I wondered if you'd be working today. Wanna' come in and unclog my pipes?"
fun with grandpa - 1
My dad's dad is a 92-year-old, charming, sweetheart of a man whose picture is in the dictionary under "ornery". He's currently living with my parents, and on Sunday mornings I hang out with him, which has turned out to be a great time for both of us (or so he says). A few weeks ago, he had trouble reading the soap-opera-type comic he likes to keep up with, so he asked me to read it to him. Grandpa is a bit hard of hearing, although there is suspicion among some family members that his hearing problem is selective or he is just plain faking it. Anyway, I made the mistake of not pre-reading the comic, in which two guys were talking. So what came out of my mouth at full volume was something like this:
"HEY, JOE. HOW'S MIKE? I HEARD HE'S IN JAIL AGAIN."
"YEAH. I HAVEN'T GONE TO SEE HIM YET."
"I HEARD VALERIE WENT TO VISIT HIM."
"YEAH. SHE STAYED 45 MINUTES, AND WHEN SHE LEFT MIKE HAD A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE."
(Silence.) (Crickets chirping.) If you've never hollered at a grandparent about conjugal visits, I highly recommend it.
Today, Grandpa said out of the blue, "Sing me a song." So I sang the first one that came to mind: "OH I WISH I WERE AN OSCAR MEYER WIENER...." Naturally, that's when Mom & Dad walked in. When I finished, he clapped and smiled, then I asked him to sing me a song. "I love Kerri, I love Kerri, I love Kerri," etc. etc. He wins.
"HEY, JOE. HOW'S MIKE? I HEARD HE'S IN JAIL AGAIN."
"YEAH. I HAVEN'T GONE TO SEE HIM YET."
"I HEARD VALERIE WENT TO VISIT HIM."
"YEAH. SHE STAYED 45 MINUTES, AND WHEN SHE LEFT MIKE HAD A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE."
(Silence.) (Crickets chirping.) If you've never hollered at a grandparent about conjugal visits, I highly recommend it.
Today, Grandpa said out of the blue, "Sing me a song." So I sang the first one that came to mind: "OH I WISH I WERE AN OSCAR MEYER WIENER...." Naturally, that's when Mom & Dad walked in. When I finished, he clapped and smiled, then I asked him to sing me a song. "I love Kerri, I love Kerri, I love Kerri," etc. etc. He wins.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
you know...
You know you've gone to McDonald's too often when the employees from the drive-thru recognize you in Wal-Mart and say hello.
You know you're loved when your dog greets you enthusiastically at the door when you get home.
You know you need a reality check when your dog stays in the kitchen with the first load of groceries and doesn't even notice you left to get the 2nd load.
You know you're getting older when store clerks and other strangers start calling you "ma'am."
You know you're old when you realize you no longer notice when people call you ma'am.
You know you need to mow the lawn when you walk through your back yard and the grass tickles your armpits.
You know you're a terrible sister when you shop for a belated birthday card for your brother and see all the belated cards you've sent him before.
You know your dog is spoiled when he doesn't bother to get off your bed to poop.
You know you've gone too far with the laid-back approach to life when you get pulled over by a cop for an expired tag sticker that you'd completely forgotten about and then, when he asked for your insurance card, realized that was expired too. On the bright side, you get to experience something new - going to court.
You know you're loved when your dog greets you enthusiastically at the door when you get home.
You know you need a reality check when your dog stays in the kitchen with the first load of groceries and doesn't even notice you left to get the 2nd load.
You know you're getting older when store clerks and other strangers start calling you "ma'am."
You know you're old when you realize you no longer notice when people call you ma'am.
You know you need to mow the lawn when you walk through your back yard and the grass tickles your armpits.
You know you're a terrible sister when you shop for a belated birthday card for your brother and see all the belated cards you've sent him before.
You know your dog is spoiled when he doesn't bother to get off your bed to poop.
You know you've gone too far with the laid-back approach to life when you get pulled over by a cop for an expired tag sticker that you'd completely forgotten about and then, when he asked for your insurance card, realized that was expired too. On the bright side, you get to experience something new - going to court.
Grandpa memories 05/15/10
It's hard to know where to begin when I think of who you are, how much I love you, and what I love about you. Memories are a good place to start....When I was 4-ish years old I spent the days at your house in Park City while Mom and Dad were at work. Grandma introduced me to Sesame Street, and you introduced me to slip knots, the polarization of magnets (those two ladybug refrigerator magnets would not stick to each other - amazing!) and the game I Spy. You played with me and sat in the back yard with me and we talked about things. I can't remember the conversations, but I remember sitting there with you and treasuring that time. You wore white t-shirts and often came home with dirty hands from working at the gas station/mechanic. You had a black lunchbox with a silver thermos, both of which Grandma faithfully filled for you every day and which you took to Beech, where you worked faithfully for 40+ years.
You called me a "pill", and I could not understand how that word could mean silly or mischievous. I was a little offended to be compared to something that was small, white, and chalky (okay, you were right on 2 out of 3). On the 4th of July everyone gathered at your house and you (and others) helped me to not be afraid of the sparklers, in spite of your childhood encounter with a lit firecracker in your pants, which I'm sure was burned in your memory, among other places. I remember you and others cranking the ice cream maker, taking turns when you got tired. I remember riding in the car with you (in the front - this was the '70's!) and telling you that you were supposed to hold the steering wheel absolutely still, not turn it back & forth a little as you drove. I remember getting stung by a bee, but nothing else about that incident; you remember every detail.
You worked in the yard with Dad at our house on Nottingham. The two of you put in a brick path and put together my swing set, if I remember correctly. Fifteen or twenty years later, you tried to help me change a flat tire in your driveway in the pouring rain, but I asked you to stay inside and keep dry. At that point I'd had a lot of experience changing flats, and I'm pretty sure I changed that one in 3-4 minutes - perhaps that skill came from you!
You have a beautifully simple heart and mind, but you also are one of the few people who understands and enjoys my sarcastic sense of humor - and you dish it right back to me! Perhaps I also got that from you. We love joking together, and some of my best belly laughs have been with you.
Thank you, Grandpa, for sharing yourself so generously with me and others. You are truly wonderful, and I am so grateful for you!
PS: The above thoughts are mine, but I TOTALLY copied the writing style for this from Jessica's letter to her son, Corbin! To read that beautiful letter, grab a box of tissues and visit www.mommyalwayswrites.com.
You called me a "pill", and I could not understand how that word could mean silly or mischievous. I was a little offended to be compared to something that was small, white, and chalky (okay, you were right on 2 out of 3). On the 4th of July everyone gathered at your house and you (and others) helped me to not be afraid of the sparklers, in spite of your childhood encounter with a lit firecracker in your pants, which I'm sure was burned in your memory, among other places. I remember you and others cranking the ice cream maker, taking turns when you got tired. I remember riding in the car with you (in the front - this was the '70's!) and telling you that you were supposed to hold the steering wheel absolutely still, not turn it back & forth a little as you drove. I remember getting stung by a bee, but nothing else about that incident; you remember every detail.
You worked in the yard with Dad at our house on Nottingham. The two of you put in a brick path and put together my swing set, if I remember correctly. Fifteen or twenty years later, you tried to help me change a flat tire in your driveway in the pouring rain, but I asked you to stay inside and keep dry. At that point I'd had a lot of experience changing flats, and I'm pretty sure I changed that one in 3-4 minutes - perhaps that skill came from you!
You have a beautifully simple heart and mind, but you also are one of the few people who understands and enjoys my sarcastic sense of humor - and you dish it right back to me! Perhaps I also got that from you. We love joking together, and some of my best belly laughs have been with you.
Thank you, Grandpa, for sharing yourself so generously with me and others. You are truly wonderful, and I am so grateful for you!
PS: The above thoughts are mine, but I TOTALLY copied the writing style for this from Jessica's letter to her son, Corbin! To read that beautiful letter, grab a box of tissues and visit www.mommyalwayswrites.com.
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