genealogy with grandpa

This morning Grandpa greeted me with: "I'm rich."
"Oh yeah?" I said.  "How so?"
"I have a new niece and nephew."
"You mean great-grandkids?  You have two new great-grandchildren."  Congrats, cousin, on the twins!
"Oh yeah.  That's right.  I'm waiting on you for a niece."
"Huh?"
"I'm waiting on you for a niece."
"Well, you're going to be waiting a while."  (For more reasons than one...)
"Wait, what are you?"
"I'm your granddaughter!"
"Oh yeah.  Never mind."

best local newspaper headline of the day

County:  Dead aren't voting

Well, at least they can say they checked.

a little quirkiness

It's been a low-key couple of months as I adjust to my new living situation.  There haven't been a whole lot of funny moments to share.  There have been several good thinking moments.  I'm not sure they'd be interesting to anyone else, though, so I haven't written much.  But when you get bogged down in the editing process before you've even written, you're dead.  And I miss writing.  I hope you'll find some sort of hospitality and a kind of welcome, recognition, and love here.

Grandpa's made me laugh this week by:

Asking how much Dad was going to charge him for his regular haircut and "manicure", then when Dad said "$600," saying, "I'll have Kerri pay for it."  Later when I fake-scolded him about spending my money, he gave me a kiss on the cheek.  Oh sure, Grandpa, pull out the big guns.

Asking me to "fix" three items on a small nearby table so that they were all the same distance from the front edge of the table.  "I've got a ruler in the desk so you can measure them," Grandpa said helpfully.  I gave him a look.

Laughing and covering up his watch and moving his arms around when I'm trying to remove his watch and apply a medicine in lotion form to the inside of his forearms.  He cracks himself up.

birthday bash and roommates

Grandpa turned 94 last week - woo-hoo!  He had a great day complete with a John Deere cake, lots of cards, and visits with family.  (That's my mom and dad to Grandpa's right).

Last month I moved in with Mom & Dad to care full-time for Grandpa, who also lives with them.  Grandpa and I share the finished basement which includes a full kitchen which I assume works, although I haven't actually turned the stove on yet.  It's a good set-up, though it requires quite a mental adjustment - more so than I expected.  Living with my parents, still grieving for my loss of my dogs and teaching job, and uncertainty re: how long this new stage in life will last have all caused me to feel as if I've dived into a deep lake.  I am enveloped, and my attention has focused down to the narrowest of points.  I am only now beginning to bob to the surface.

So I haven't had a lot of funny times with Grandpa to share, although I have noticed something interesting.  Now that I'm living here and not sitting next to Grandpa all day, he's had to come up with new ways to get or maintain my attention.  Grandpa is very reliant on a consistent schedule, and if I am late to change the channel or begin preparing meal, or even if he thinks I might be late, he will turn the TV up loud, clap, holler, bang things on his tray, etc.  I try to watch the clock because after a while that stuff just isn't cute anymore (!).  But it's interesting to observe our behavior and our attempts to modify each others'.  I think we deserve each other.

The other day I overheard Grandpa mumbling to himself.  Uh-oh, I thought, was he beginning to go senile?  I thought I'd better check.  "Grandpa?"

"Huh?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You were talking to yourself.  Or were you talking to me?"

"Oh - no.  I was repeating what the two Andy Griffith shows were this morning so I could remember them."

And we're back.

funny moment of the day

I've moved in with Mom & Dad to help care more for Grandpa.  When I last left aunt & uncle's house, I had a handful of boxes and tubs packed and ready to go in my room.  When I returned few days later to continue packing and move a load of stuff, this sight greeted me as the garage door slowly went up:

Aunt & uncle had (truly helpfully) packed up the remainder of my stuff for me and moved it to the front of the garage.  I think I'll caption this picture, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out!"  (Now you see why I added "and bring me back" to the Scotland pic on the right...)

the divine miss m

So the other day my four-year-old niece, M, visited a new church with her family. M. is...not shy. :) She's a ray of sunshine, although sometimes you feel the heat more than you see the light. This past Sunday she was her bright and cheerful self, and when the pastor called the children in the congregation to the front of the sanctuary for a special lesson, M. cheerfully went up. A new church? Full of strangers? How fun! The lesson continued from the previous week and had to do with the parable of the man that built his house on sand and the man that built his house on a...

"Rock!" M. said, finishing the pastor's sentence.  When he asked how things turned out for the man on the sand, M. answered, "Not so good!"  The pastor laughed and said she should do the preaching.  At the end of the lesson, the pastor led the children in prayer.  When he finished, M. piped up,

"Well that was short!"

"They tell me that's how they like it," the pastor replied.  He gave the kids a ring pop and told them not to eat it now, but to wait and ask their parents if they could have it after lunch.

"Hey Mom!  Can I have this after lunch?!" M. called from the front.  She was assured she could, and M. cheerfully walked back to her seat and reclaimed her family.  They happily claimed her back.

10 of the dumbest things i've ever done

To make your own post-its, visit http://wigflip.com/superstickies/

stream of consciousness while looking at potential places to rent

Yikes.  I don't know about this one.  Well, what do you expect in your price range?  At least this is in a separate building, not part of someone's house...Hello, are you the landlord?  Oh, he's over there?  I wonder if that's him walking to his car - which looks pretty nice, by the way...yep, that's him...oh how nice, he'll show me the place now, he's going to get the key...my hair's all greasy under this bandanna, hopefully he won't notice or care...oh good lord, Kerri, you're not even wearing a bra!...oh, this unit is actually nice inside, definitely a possibility...thank you for the unexpected showing (and you're welcome, ha ha)...now to this apt. nearby - hey, I found it, a miracle...peace back at ya', dude...those places look pretty nice...and peace dude and this lady with the baby stroller make it look like a nice neighborhood, but is it quiet?... I want to be as far away from multi-unit apartment living as possible, too; I'll have to think about it...where's this other place?...I see 1202 but where's 1203?!  It goes from 1202 to 1218 and they're shops, not residences!  I'll turn around here and check...yep, no 1203, where is- oh, duh, it's on the other side of the street - oh, whoops, sorry about that, guy behind me, no parking here, huh?  I'll just turn around...oh look, this place has handy shopping carts sitting on the grass out front...maybe I'll skip this place...yep, that overgrown alley confirms it, not looking further here...too bad, it's so close to my favorite bookstore....oh my word, I'm also wearing capri sweats with bleach spots and a hole in them, and below the hems I obviously need to shave!  If that 1st guy still rents to me is that a good thing?...heading back home...yes, I'm going the right way because this street heads east one-way...and I wanted to go east...no, dang it, I live WEST of here!  Grr...

lunch with grandpa 6/27/11

Lunchtime used to be noon (that's why Grandpa called it "the noon meal"), then he decided that it should be four hours after he had breakfast, then it somehow became four hours after he got out of bed, which usually makes it 11:00 a.m.  Now, at 10:45 or thereabouts, Grandpa calls out, "I'm getting faint!" which means "feed me, quick!"  Today:

Grandpa:  "I'm getting faint!"
me:  typing on the computer, "Okay," didn't move
Grandpa:  "Ohhhhhh..."  (fake faint)
me:  no time to respond, because less than a second later,
Grandpa:  "OHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"  (louder fake faint accompanied by drooping head and arms)

Sometimes the man has the patience of a saint, and sometimes he has the patience of a toddler.

After lunch, Grandpa banged his empty soup cup on the tray.  I rolled my eyes, beleaguered soul that I am, and asked him what kind of pudding he wanted for dessert.  "Lemon."  As I fixed his pudding I thought about writing this post.  When I handed him his pudding, I realized I'd given him chocolate instead of lemon.  He accepted the mistake graciously.  That'll teach him.

more "old" favorites

For today's "Tuesdays Gone" hop I thought I'd resurrect some stories of me and Grandpa and our hearing prob- I mean, opportunities...

Prologue:  Fun with my private student N:
Today I received outside confirmation that my trouble understanding Grandpa's speech is not entirely due to him. After my lesson with N. ended, he and his younger brother L. told me they were taking out a tree. What? Why? I wondered. And why do I care? But instead I used my great linguistic ability and said a more concise, "What?" "We're taking out a tree!" both boys said. "We're shooting!" L. added. I'm thinking, WHY are you cutting down a tree...it's too early for Christmas, isn't it?.....yes.....and HOW on earth are you going to get it down by shooting it? With an Uzi? What is wrong with you people?! Rather than confuse them with all my questions I modeled excellent verbal expression and scrunched up my face and said, "Huh?" Then L. lifted up his bow and N. said slowly, as if speaking to a....well, to me, "We're taking AR-CHER-Y!"


Fun with Grandpa:
My dad's dad is a 92-year-old, charming, sweetheart of a man whose picture is in the dictionary under "ornery". He's currently living with my parents, and on Sunday mornings I hang out with him, which has turned out to be a great time for both of us (or so he says). A few weeks ago, he had trouble reading the soap-opera-type comic he likes to keep up with, so he asked me to read it to him. Grandpa is a bit hard of hearing, although there is suspicion among some family members that his hearing problem is selective or he is just plain faking it. Anyway, I made the mistake of not pre-reading the comic, in which two guys were talking. So what came out of my mouth at full volume was something like this:

"HEY, JOE. HOW'S MIKE? I HEARD HE'S IN JAIL AGAIN."
"YEAH. I HAVEN'T GONE TO SEE HIM YET."
"I HEARD VALERIE WENT TO VISIT HIM."
"YEAH. SHE STAYED 45 MINUTES, AND WHEN SHE LEFT MIKE HAD A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE."

(Silence.) (Crickets chirping.) If you've never hollered at a grandparent about conjugal visits, I highly recommend it.

Today when I went into Grandpa's room/space at Mom & Dad's house, I was a bit groggy from a fitful night's sleep. Grandpa was extra perky. "That," he said, pointing to his book of word search puzzles, "almost fell out of bed." Grandpa likes to tell silly jokes, so I thought this was one of them. "It did?" I said. "How?"
"Huh?" Grandpa said.
I put the book on his tv tray. "Are you still working on #10?"
"Yeah. Can you count that high?" (giggles)
"Ha ha." I shove Grandpa and open the book to puzzle #10 and point to it, "So how did this almost fall out of bed?"
"Huh?...No, this," he said, holding up his mechanical pencil, "is almost out of lead!" My brain's so big it clogs up my ears. It's fun to make a non-senile elderly person wonder if he's becoming senile (eye roll).


The other day as I walked into Grandpa's I heard Dad say to him, "Kerri will get your pills." Dad left and a few minutes later Grandpa told me, "I need my pills." I was a bit confused, because he usually has his pills with breakfast.
"You need your pills?" I asked.
"Yes," he said.
"Have you had your breakfast?"
"Huh?" (confused look on Grandpa's face now, too)
"You usually have your pills with breakfast. Have you had your breakfast?"
"Yeah, I had my breakfast," he said, still confused.
"Well, did you have your pills with it like usual? I don't understand what pills Dad was talking about."
"I need my PIL-LOWS," Grandpa said. Poor man.

Today he needed a paper clip. "Do you have some in your desk?" I asked, walking over to his desk/secretary - like a roll-top desk but not rounded.
"Yes, on the right side."
I looked around and eventually found them in a small jar on the left side. I took out a paper clip (but Grandpa didn't see that), held the jar up, and said, "Do you want me to put them back where I found them or where you thought they were?" (We can be very Type-A.)
"Huh? No, I need a clip."
"Yes, but do you want me to put the rest of them back here, or here?" I said, pointing.
"No! I want to clip these two papers together." (an article onto a piece of white paper)
"Yes, but what about the rest of the paper clips?"
Chuckling, but also trying very hard to remain patient with me, Grandpa said slowly and clearly, "PICK. UP. THE. JAR. AND. WALK. OVER. HERE. AND. PUT. THE. JAR. DOWN. HERE. PLEASE," as he pointed to a tray by his chair.
I laughed and said in the same way, "I. KNOW. I. GOT. THE. CLIP." I showed it to him and put it on his tray. "I'M. TALKING. ABOUT. THE. JAR," I said, holding it up.
By then we were both laughing, and I don't know where they ended up.

He clipped the papers together, then he asked me to cut off the extra white paper around the margins. (See? Type A.) He said, half-serious/half-teasing, "DON'T. CUT. THE. ARTICLE. IN. HALF. CUT HERE," he said, pointing, "AROUND. THE. ARTICLE."
"I'm going to go get the scissors and bring them here so you can watch me cut it."
Grandpa smiled, sighed with relief, and said, "Yes."
I returned with the scissors, picked up the article, and pretended I was about to cut it in half.
"No!!!!!!!!!!!"

We keep each other mentally fit.

a flash...

Even in the midst of these dark days that seem to roll on endlessly, regardless of how bright a future day might be, it is good to have a shock to the system that can call forth a blurt of unexpected, unfamiliar laughter.  A shock, say, such as logging onto hubworld.com to play Scrabble Flash and having the letters you are to arrange into words be "P E N I S."

wish i'd thought of that...

Oh, to get those years back!

goofiness with Grandpa

Somebody ate his (Cream of) Wheaties this morning:

Grandpa: "You know what?"
me: "No, what?"
"That's what I'm wondering. I don't know what either."


Grandpa doing his word search puzzle: "'Payroll.' I can pay you now. I found the payroll."
me: "It's about time!"
(fake pitiful voice): "Well I'm sorry, I looked and looked and looked..."


Grandpa, looking at high school girls' soccer honorees in the paper: "I can't find you...where's your picture?"
me: "Huh?"
"You're not in here."
"Imagine that!"
(Grandpa giggling): "I'm so disappointed!"

eavesdropping on kerri and grandpa

Grandpa:  "What was the first Andy Griffith again?"  (the first of 2 shows daily)
Me:  "The one with Thelma Lou's cousin and Gomer."
"Huh?"
"THELMA LOU'S COUSIN AND GOMER!"
(confused pause)  "What?"
"THELMA LOU'S COUSIN AND GOMER AND THE DANCE!!!"
"Oh yeah, the dance."



One hour later:

Grandpa:  "I've already forgotten what the first Andy Griffith was."
Me:  "Hmm."
"What was it again?"
"Barney set up Thelma Lou's cousin and Gomer to go to the dance!"
(longer pause)  "Now slow it down for me - what did you say it was?"
(brief prayer)  "THE DANCE!!!"
"The dance..."
"THELMA LOU'S COUSIN!  GOMER!"
"No, that was the second one."
(longer prayer)  "NO, THE SECOND ONE WAS BARNEY IN JAIL!"
"Huh?"
"THE. SECOND. ONE. WAS. BARNEY. GOT. PUT. IN. JAIL - CITIZEN'S. ARREST!!!"
"Oh yeah.  You're right."
"Thank you!"
"Huh?"

charming grandpa

Grandpa charmed the socks off another person yesterday.  A substitute nurse came by to check his vitals and ask some routine questions.  I wasn't in the room, but I could hear Grandpa yakkin' (his word) away....  As she left, the nurse said, "He's so sweet!"  He sure is.  Usually.

After the nurse left, Grandpa kept fussing with the blanket on his lap, which had been moved during her visit.  I adjusted it, found the Kleenex he keeps hidden under it, and handed it to him.  He still kept fussing with the blanket.  "Is everything okay?" I asked.  "Oh, yes, this is just messy and I don't want it to bother your father," he said.  The blanket was bunched up a bit and not lying perfectly straight (it has a plaid pattern; the stripes were crooked!).  I think I've mentioned before that we have a slight streak of particularity (particularness?) in our family.  Wait...in our family we have a slight streak...hang on, a slight streak of particularity runs....  Oh well.  "Yeah right!"  I said.  "I think it's bothering someone else!" and I tapped him on the chest.  He laughed and shook his head.  Give it up, Grandpa; I know all your secrets now!

evidence

Today (Thursday) is my stupid-little-brother-with-a-doctorate's birthday, so I think this would be the perfect time to whip out my evidence of his destruction of my birthday cake when I turned 8.  (OMG, my nephew is turning 8 this summer!  Where does the time go?)  Wait, I've counted, checked, and double-checked, and there seem to be only 7 candles on that cake - I could've sworn this was when I was in 2nd grade...oh, brother must have stolen one.  Do you see the huge hole he dug out of the cake?  It's right there, the highest corner of the cake in the picture!  Come on!  Well, Stephanie feels my pain.

Happy Birthday, SLBWAD.  I hope it's great!

This is brother and I (and his snot mustache - or maybe it's Silly Putty) with Old Papa, our great-grandfather.  Brother gave him that name, and it stuck.  Now my 2nd cousins call my grandpa Old Papa.  Old Papa called my brother "Peanut."

Peanut's wife does, too.

the longest ride and the 2nd-best summer: 80's radio at its best

I went to high school in the mid-1980's.  In my freshman year, we lived about an hour away from the private school I attended and where Dad taught Spanish.  Since Dad was a faculty member, he needed to be at the school about an hour before and after regular school hours.  So we would head out at 6:00 every morning and make the long, slow drive to school, uphill and only 55 m.p.h. - both ways!*   It was fantastic.  I used the time to work on my beauty sleep (just let it go...). 

Dad would have loved to do likewise.  Instead, he kept himself awake with the easy-listening radio station.  (Yes, you read that right.  Easy listening was the closest Dad ever got to rocking out.)  Personally, I wasn't a big fan of easy listening, especially the Musak-style versions of rock and pop songs.  But I was all for Dad staying awake while I slept, so I kept my opinions to myself.

Sometimes Dad whistled along with the songs - potentially mortifying for the young teenager, but tolerable. 

But when his favorite song came on, Dad couldn't help himself.  He had to sing along:  "There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando.  They were shining there for you and me, for liberty, Fernando...."  Yes, I think my dad was a closet ABBA fan.  He was, at least, a Fernando fan.  I assumed because the guy sounded Spanish, but who knows.

I was unable to sleep through that gem.  All I could do was pray that my classmates hadn't hidden a video camera in the car somewhere and that "Fernando" would end before we got to school.

The summer after my sophomore year, however, I made up for the Musak trauma.  I took an algebra class in the mornings.  It was the glory days of my critical thinking skills, and my nerdy self enjoyed the math so much it was more like solving puzzles than doing homework.  But even better than the math was the drive to and from school - ALONE.  We had moved closer to the school by then, but I still had time to blast whatever station I wanted to hear and to sing along before changing the station back when I got home.  I was SO cool.

The icing on the cake that summer was the afternoons, when I floated in our above-ground pool and worked on my tan.  Oh to be 16 and super-cool again!  :)

*Thanks, little brother!

Play Way Back When-esday with us!

befuddlement with grandpa

Poor Grandpa.  He wants so little, and he gets exactly what he asks for.  Today he wanted to trim a fingernail but was having trouble getting a small bit on the end smoothed out.  The nail was very short, so I was reluctant to try cutting it any further.  I am a klutz and a ditz; fortunately, I know that much.  I was sure I'd hurt Grandpa if I tried to cut the nail.  I explained this to him, and he continued to work with his clippers and file - one set of several that he keeps in a small box.  The Andy Griffith Show was playing loudly on the TV, I was "working" online, and Grandpa mumbled at me (or so it seemed):

Grandpa:  (mumble mumble)
Me:  "Huh?"
(mumble mumble)
I got up and moved to his side:  "What?"
"WHAT IS YOUR JOB?"
(my laughter) "It's to take care of you without hurting you!"
"Huh?"
"I'm afraid of hurting you if I try to trim your nail."
Grandpa shook his head.  "Yeah, but what do you do with your kids (students)?  Are you tutoring now?"
"Oh!  Yes."
"Would they like to have any of my clippers?"
"No thank you, I'm afraid they'd hurt themselves."
Grandpa smiled and nodded, and a look of "Thank goodness she finally got it.  Good grief!" passed over his face.  I'm going to get us matching "Huh?" t-shirts.

babysitting tips for sloths, part 2

Along with television, I've discovered another way to keep kids occupied with as little effort as possible:

1.  Take big purse full of books, receipts, cards, money, etc. to child's house.
2.  Place big purse tantalizingly where the child can see it but it is supposedly out of the way.
3.  Allow child to carefully approach purse; watch for danger but otherwise pretend oblivion (unless it comes naturally to you).
4.  Help child lug ten-ton purse to large floor space.
5.  Continue watching for danger to child and personal items, and allow child to explore to her heart's content!
6.  Take pictures with your camera phone to commemorate the event (except when child is monopolizing the phone).

whoa, dude...

I love this picture from National Geographic and the captions it brings to mind.  What can you come up with?

"Whoa, dude...black and white?!  You really need an upgrade."

"Oh no, it's Mr. Bill the oxpecker!"