stopping by woods on a rainy evening

I enjoyed another wonderful retreat at Tallgrass Spiritual Retreat Center in the Flint Hills last weekend.  If you haven't yet visited this place, I highly recommend you do so before Billie leaves this summer!  The countryside is gorgeous:

Whoops, hang on...

Okay, you have to like lots of sky and cows and fields.  And yes, this is the Flint Hills.  I just can't take pictures and drive at the same time on the windy, hilly parts, but they honestly are beautiful.

Technically, this isn't a hill; I was just holding my camera crooked.  Those are cows on the horizon, not ants.

Anyway, I learned a bit of SoulCollage.  I'll just let you explore their website.  It may seem voodooey or New Agey to some of my readers, and it can be used that way, but it doesn't have to be.  I appreciated reflecting on various aspects of my personality, or my inner selves, and learning from and about them.  For example:

 

This card represents my goofy side.  Obviously  I'm going to have to make more cards to adequately express this part of myself.

This represents what I call my shaman.  By "shaman" I don't mean one who uses magic, but simply one who hopes she is used by God to facilitate others' communion with him.   I broke a rule there with the sign's words - it's supposed to be pictures only - but "wine" made me think of "whine" which made me laugh and of the blood of Christ.  I realize in the top left that it looks like I think God is an ape.  What I mean to communicate with that photo is the connection humans have with animals and all of creation.

This one represents me as a member of a large family.  I saw the pic of the boy with the cow first, and it reminded me of Grandpa and Dad.  Then I saw the photo in the upper left and was reminded of my mom.  I grumbled to myself that I hadn't meant to bring my family with me on this retreat, but when I saw the rainbow-colored parrots, I gave up.  It reminded me of a cousin who loves rainbows, then all my cousins.  So here you have a portrayal of various and all family members.  (Dang it.  I just remembered there was a small picture of a turkey in the stack of pictures.  I could have used it for my brother.  Oh well, live and learn.)

This one started out as a portrayal of the dark, or, in Jungian terms, the shadow side of me.  I started with the picture of the forest and the words (oops) from his poem "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening."  I added the snakes, then I found the picture of the Jewish boy with wording (oops oops) similar to Frost's, so I put that on there, then I put on the other pics and decided this represents a combination of my shadow self and the part of myself that is interested in learning about other religions.  The dark schizophrenic, if you will.

My stay was short and squeezed in between two sessions of working with kids.  I thought I was being an idiot; I usually can't handle a schedule that loaded, but of course I was instead refreshed and renewed by the time and by Billie's hospitality.  Thank you again, Billie, for the physical and spiritual space and the teaching that you give!

it's a party, and you've gotta' see this place!

This is the retreat center in the flint hills that I went to in December and April.  It's well worth a look!

Tallgrass Spiritual Retreat Center will be TEN years old in June!

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* * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * To celebrate, we’re planning a * * *

Party on the Prairie

* * * * * and calling it * * * * *

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* * * * * T@T * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * Ten @ Tallgrass: * * * * *

What a Difference a Decade Makes

June 25, 2011 11:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.

at Tallgrass Spiritual Retreat Center

1780 Thurman Creek Road

Matfield Green, KS 66862

Women who have experienced the Retreat Center are invited to come help us celebrate.

Bring a friend to introduce her to Tallgrass Spiritual Retreat Center.

Women who have yet to experience Tallgrass are invited to come see what’s here.

Lunch will be available (free-will offering requested)

Grilled Burgers, Chips, and a Drink

Walk the Labyrinth, walk to the creek, create SoulCollage® with Hazel Hutchinson*

See the eAuction items on display.

Enjoy a gentle day in the country.

Bless Billie with your presence and a hug!

It’s a Birthday Party, so we’ll have CUPCAKES and ICE CREAM!

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*A note from Hazel Hutchinson:

I will bring a selection of cards so guests can see and ask questions about SoulCollage®.

The focus of the day, will be offering an opportunity for guests to make a SoulCollage®

card to honor the presence/significance of Tallgrass Spiritual Retreat Center in the

participant’s life or to make a SoulCollage® card to Bless TSRC into the future.

A note from Billie Blair, Director:

We’ve been here for TEN years! Can you believe it?! The years have gone by quickly.

I’ve enjoyed each and every person who has come to Tallgrass over the years. I hope

to see many of you again on June 25th, to help us celebrate. A great team of women

has been working to make this happen for the Center. We’ll have good food, things

to do and see, and we’re working on providing some live entertainment!

I tell folks who ask about this ministry that I feel like what I’m doing here is

not only what I believe I’m called to do, but I’m doing what God created me to do -

walk with women along their path for awhile, supporting, caring, just being with them

at times, as well as encouraging them to find their healing and their passion in life.

I’ve ben honored to work with some wonderful facilitators, offering a range of retreats

from clearing clutter to finding our passions, to working with horses to find oneself.

We’ve participated in the Forgiveness Ceremony, told stories, made prayer flags, beads,

and sticks. We’ve had a harpist, singers, writers, and other artists here. We’ve taken

wildflower walks and made paper with prairie plants. . . and sometimes women came

alone or with a friend to find time and space to rest, reflect and restore.

It’s been an incredible ten years for me. I’ve learned so much from YOU.

Thank you for sharing the gift of who you are with me. I’d love to see many

of you come join us for this special-to-me day!

My sister will be here in the evening, gifting the Retreat Center and anyone who wants to stay

with an outdoor movie. The movie will start after dark, of course, so folks might want to tour a little of

Chase County, have supper at the Hitching Post in Matfield Green (or bring a sack supper and picnic

in the Center’s yard), then join us about 9 for the movie. We don’t know yet what movie we’ll be viewing,

but just imagine sitting under the stars. eating popcorn and watching a movie together!

Please bring a lawn chair or blanket to sit on.

With you all in God’s holy embrace,

Billie

Rev. Billie Blair, Pastor in the Pasture
Tallgrass Spiritual Retreat Center
1780 Thurman Creek Road
Matfield Green, KS 66862
phone: 620.753.3465
email: tallgrassretreats@wheatstate.com
website: www.tallgrassretreats.com

retreat in the flint hills - April '11

I enjoyed a day retreat at the Tallgrass Spiritual Retreat Center Wednesday.  This time it was an individual retreat.  I made the appointment during a period of depression, and although I felt much better by Wed., I decided to go on retreat anyway and see what happened.

I had two one-hour sessions with Billie planned to bookend my retreat:  meet with Billie, spend several hours on my own, meet with Billie, spend more time if necessary, then go home.  Billie is a great listener, and as I told my stories to her and we talked, I processed recent events/issues and received new things to consider.  On the drive to the retreat, I remembered the many pictures Billie had cut from magazines to use in collages, and I wanted to look at more pictures.  Otherwise, I had absoutely no idea or plan for what to do, other than walk around and enjoy God and his creation.  It's taken me 40+ years to learn that often not having an agenda is the best way.

After settling in and a good talk with Billie, I walked down to the creek.  I hadn't taken that walk before, and I was delighted by the beauty surrounding me.

I didn't get any pictures of the creek.  I don't know why.

As I walked, I opened myself to God and listened for, waited to receive whatever he may have had for me at that time.  I was caught up in looking at everything except the ground, and I stepped on a tree limb and lost my balance.  No fall, no pain, just enough of a jolt to get my attention.  I stopped.  I listened.  "Pay attention," I sensed, "Pay attention to this step, this present moment, and enjoy it as it comes."  And so I did.  I didn't try to think deep thoughts or solve any problems.  I simply walked, looked, was open, and enjoyed.  I received the grace to love and give thanks for each moment.

There is a wonderful variety of stones in many shapes, sizes, and colors by the creek.  I picked one up.  As I turned it over in my hands, I sensed that it would be good to sit for a bit and look at more stones.  I did, then I walked along the creek, stopping a few times to close my eyes and just listen to the water and the birds, and found a few more stones.  I love them.

When I discovered that square stone, I laughed and laughed.  I had just been talking to Billie about my upbringing in the church and the rigidity of it, about the learning I have done and still need to do to be thankful for the good things I received from it.  When I saw that stone, I realized/received the understanding that there's plenty of room for squares in the kingdom of God, that there is a place for and the creation of things with straight sides and sharp corners, and sometimes I could be a blockhead myself.  Then I realized the stone was laughing along with me.

I returned to the bunkhouse and set about looking at the pictures Billie had left there for me.  I just wanted to look and look and look, keeping pictures that touched me in some way, but not thinking too much yet about why they did.  After about an hour, I think, I stopped and asked myself, "Is this it?  Is this how you want to spend this time you're paying for?"  I thought about it and decided/realized that yes, this was it.  For now.

I spent the rest of that time until my second session with Billie going through pictures.  It is a marvelous hospitality she provides just in that one act, collecting pictures for people to look at and use.  The number of and reasons for the images I chose are too many to share, but I invite you to find your own.

After my second meeting with Billie, I spent another hour or so walking around and looking.  There are a number of stones on the railing of the back deck of the bunkhouse; I assume they were left by past retreaters...retreatants?  Anyway, I added one of my own to the collection.

On the drive home I passed a ranged being burned  (see http://www.kansasflinthillsadventures.com/flames.html for more info. on range burning).  I realized that some folks probably don't have range burning in their part of the world, so I took a couple of pictures.  I wanted to take a picture of the sign that said pull over if the smoke from the burning was dense, but I passed it before I could get the camera ready - sorry!

I love the prairie.

retreat in the flint hills - Dec. '10

Well, I'm still not ready to write about my personal experience of my 12/15/10 retreat, but kind folks have asked about it so I'll share what we did.  It really was a great time and I was/am deeply affected by it.

I went to the Tallgrass Spiritual Retreat Center: http://www.tallgrassretreats.com/.  It offers a wonderful variety of retreats, presentations, and space to make your own retreat.  Part of the appeal of this center is its location.  The Flint Hills in east-central Kansas are truly beautiful; rolling hills and valleys filled with fields, cows, streams, and a windmill here and there.  I wish my pictures did them justice.  But I was running a bit late, and my camera's coloring is off somehow, and I am a very amateur photographer, so all you can see here is a flat area going by at 60 mph.  (Are you starting to see a pattern in my photography?).  As a friend of mine from LA once said about western Kansas, "I've never seen so much...and so little!"

Now here's the backside of a great picture.  I'd foolishly just turned the camera off when I drove down a small slope dotted with trees and under a bridge with a bright orange train engine just passing overhead.  I mean, I could've won prizes with that picture.  Instead, I passed the bridge, pulled over, turned the camera back on, and captured this.  See what I mean?  Prizes, I tell you.

Anyway, the retreat was titled, "Marking a Passage" and had to do with recognizing and giving attention to any changes we've had in life recently.  We began with a ritual that reminds me of yoga's sun salutation; retreat facilitator (and center director) Billie Blair credits Joyce Rupp:

1.  Stand up and stretch your arms to the sky - giving thanks

2.  Reach your arms out to your sides and twist at the waist - acknowledging our brothers and sisters throughout the world

3.  Reach arms straight in front of you, palms up - giving of yourself

4.  Bring arms in and cup your hands together, holding them against your body - receiving

5.  Bend down and touch the floor - blessing and giving thanks for the earth

6.  Stand up and put hands flat, palm in, against your heart - I didn't write anything down after this step, but I bet you get the point.

Then Billie had us write down and answer the following questions:  "Why am I here?" and "How do I feel about my answer?"  Then she had us do it again.  Then she had us do it a third time.  It's interesting to see how your answers change as you go deeper.

Then she had us write the answer to the question, "How would I describe myself before (the passage/changes I'm marking today)?"

After lunch, Billie had us answer the following questions:  "What brought me here?"  "What do I want to acknowledge?" and "What is changing in my life that I've not been willing to see?"

To answer these questions, we could write in our journals or make a collage using pics pre-cut from magazines.  We probably could've also done an interpretive dance or written a song or painted a fence - whatever way worked best for us.  I chose to make a collage rather than write because it would be a different way to express my experience of the recent passages I'd traveled through.  I don't do much in the visual arts, and I thought it would be interesting to see what I ended up with:

The picture at the top left of the collage is a (fake) duck's rear end and legs - it was one of a set of three mounted on a board; it looked like a coat rack.  Anyway, I am fond of the image of ducks' rear ends - I'll share why another time.  (How's that for getting you hooked?  Or repulsed?)

We shared our answers to the questions with each other, then began a new activity.  With our dominant hand (hand we usually write with) Billie had us write down, "How have I been changed or am changing by this passage?" and "Is there a gift to be claimed?"  We had brought items to symbolize the passages we were marking, and we addressed each item with each question.  (I'd brought Chester and Oliver's name tags and my school/teacher ID from when I quit teaching special education in 2007.)  We wrote our responses to the questions using our non-dominant hand.  The changing of hands was very interesting to me; it is like walking a labyrinth: so simple, yet so powerful.  You turn off your autopilot and the automatic responses you might give to the question, and you access a different part of you - the whole you that God made - that you may not listen to very often.  Try it sometime.

(Now, if you grew up with a spiritual background similar to mine - protestant, evangelical - this activity would be akin to voodoo.  But the unusual methods in which the questions were asked and answered did not open me up to demons from hell, so don't worry.  It just gets you thinking, reflecting, praying, and listening outside of the box of your ordinary state of being.)

After further discussion and reflection, we ended the retreat by sharing what we had gained from it (that we were aware of at that point) and prayers for our continuing beyond the passage(s) we had marked.

I can't wait to go back.

the retreat - day 6 - Jan. 13, 2008 - reflection on my call

From journal:

Interesting to see God's love and respect for these men and who they were - God reveals himself and communicates with them accordingly.

God to me:  stop questioning whether or not it is my voice that you hear when I speak to you, and start writing out, expressing, living out my words.

It's okay.

I love you.

Do not be afraid.  I am with you.

"All shall be well,
all shall be well,
all manner of things shall be well."

my response:  Oh God, the God of my life, I love you.  I am awed by you - your holiness, your integrity, your love for yourself/selves and for your creation.

the retreat - day 6 - Jan. 13, 2008 - Jeremiah's call

From journal:

Jeremiah 1:4-9 - the call of Jeremiah
Who he was:  priest, would remain unwed and without children at God's command/warning, introspective, honest and comfortable/familiar with God to an extent, later:  sad, insecure

Nature of the call:  loving, tender, that of a caregiver - Ps. 139 - I knew you and I set you apart before you even existed, before you even became aware of yourself - be a prophet to the nations

Jeremiah's response:  "Ah, Sovereign Lord...."  You can almost hear the wheels turning in J's mind, backpedalling, whoa whoa whoa, I know what happens to prophets around here, I should have checked caller ID - I don't know how, I'm too young

God:  dismisses J's age objection as if with a wave of his hand - "Don't say..." - you must go to everyone I send you and say everything I command you - simple, broad instructions, as if to a child? - do not be afraid of them, I am with you, and I will rescue you - then touched J's mouth - I have put my words in your mouth and I appoint you...

God responds to Jeremiah's unspoken fear for his safety as well.

Portrait of Jeremiah by Rembrandt

the retreat - day 6 - Jan. 13, 2008 - Isaiah's call

From journal:

Isaiah 6:1-8 - the call of Isaiah:
Who he was:  ? - not sure, but a son is mentioned in 7:3 and he conceives a son in 8:1-3

Nature of call:  HOLINESS!  vision of God on throne, his robe filled the temple, seraphim calling God holy, doorposts and thresholds shook, temple filled with smoke

Isaiah's response:  Woe is me, for I have seen God, and I (my lips) am unclean and live among unclean people!

God:  sent a seraphim to touch Isaiah's lips with a burning coal - now your guilt is gone, your sin is atoned for - whom shall I send?  Who will go for us?  ("us" instead of "me" - trinity)

Isaiah:  "Here am I.  Send me!"  (Isaiah doesn't even know what he's volunteering for yet.)

God:  says with irony - go tell (your own) people, the people you live among, to repent and be healed (they won't)

Isaiah:  "For how long?"  No hesitation to obey.

God:  until this land is utterly forsaken

in this passage, Isaiah is overcome with awe and eagerness

the retreat - day 6 - Jan. 13, 2008 - Samuel's call

From journal:

1 Samuel 3:1-11, 15-19 - call of Samuel:
Who he was:  pre-teen or in early teens, raised since birth to serve in the temple and assist the priest but did not yet "know" the Lord - the Lord's word had not yet been revealed to him

Nature of the call:
- God called Samuel's name - 3 times
- Samuel rose from his bed, ran to Eli, and said "Here I am," thinking E. had called him - 3 times
- Eli explains, God calls again, and Samuel follows Eli's instructions
- See - I am about to do something in Israel that will make everyone's ears ring - the judgment of Eli's family
- all Israel recognized Samuel as God's prophet as he grew, the Lord was with him, he continued to appear to Samuel, and kept the covenant

Samuel's simple obedience to God and to Eli - ran to him, said "Here I am."

the retreat - day 6 - Jan. 13, 2008 - Moses' call

From journal:

Exodus 3:1-10 - call of Moses
Who he was before the call:  shepherd+, born in secret, Jewish, raised in Pharaoh's house during the Israelites' slavery in Egypt, at 40 years old moved to Midian and lived in father-in-law's household for 40 years, had connections, history, experience with the Egyptian royal court

Nature of call:  drawn by his curiosity to the burning bush - God knew him, had made him, and knew how to get Moses' attention
- God called his name
- "Here I am."
- keep your distance, take off your shoes - holiness
- God identified himself to Moses as the God of his forefathers
- Moses hid his face, afraid to look at God (but later asks to see God's face) - no question of Moses' belief
- God does not say, yet, do not fear - fear in the presence of his holiness is appropriate
- God explains and proposes covenant - go and rescue my people - I know what is happening to them and I am concerned about them - I have come to rescue them and bring them out of Egypt into the land I promised they would have - I am sending you to do this

Moses' response:  "Who am I..." that I should do this incredible thing??? (400 years of slavery - twice the age of the USA)

God's response:  "I will be with you."  God doesn't affirm Moses' abilities, just promises to be with him.

Moses:  "Suppose...God of your fathers...What is your name?"

God:  I am/I will be what I am/will be - first time for the Israelites to know him as Yahweh? - gives further instructions

Moses:  "What if...?"

God:  I'll give signs/miracles to prove who I am - staff, hand, water/blood

Moses:  Oh Lord, I can't do this, I can't speak well.

God:  Who made you?!  I will help you, and I will teach you.

Moses:  "Oh Lord, please send someone else...."

God:  his anger burned, I'll send your brother Aaron with you - he can speak well, and I will help both of you to speak and teach you what to do.

the retreat - day 6 - Jan. 13, 2008 - Abram's call

From journal:  up at 8:00 a.m., ate in my room, am more quiet, within myself today

fascinated, delighted with work for today - God's call - reflect on 5 calls in the OT and ponder my own call - it's so interesting to see how God worked with these men, how they lived with it

Gen. 12:1-9 - call of Abram
Who he was before the call:  wealthy, married, living among family, settled, had lived 75 of his 175 years, no children, apparently close enough to God to hear and obey without hesitation

Nature of the call:  a command to leave your country, your people, and your father's household and go to the land I will show you - "will show," future tense, Abram has to leave before he sees what he's leaving for - he was able to take his possessions

God's promises/his part in the covenant:
- will show you, give you land
- will make you into great nation
- will bless you
- will make your name great
- you will be a blessing
- will bless those who bless you
- will curse those who curse you
- all peoples on earth will be blessed through you

Abram's response:  "So Abram left, as the Lord had told him."

God's response:  reappeared to Abram at the land he had promised and reaffirmed his promise to give the land to Abram's offspring

Abram built an altar to the Lord there, moved on and built another altar to the Lord and called on his name

Gen. 14...After Abram rescues Lot and defeats the king of K. and others, he gives one-tenth of the spoils to Melchizedek and God and refuses to be given anything except food and repayment for others involved in the battle.  God appears to Abram afterward and says:

Do not fear.
I am your shield,
your very great reward.

God promises Abram heirs but also tells of their enslavement and release and other events.  Covenant with fire and sacrifices is made.

the retreat - day 5 - Jan. 12, 2008

Journal:  As I'd hoped, SJ reassured me that her emphasis on contemplation was to help make sure I knew there was something in prayer beyond thought.  We talked about how hard I am on myself and about what blocks me from "going all the way" with God and letting go into that place beyond thinking.  I mentioned my fear of losing all control, every string that keeps me attached to something, spinning off into space, nothingness, out  of control.  I couldn't be very specific.  She asked if it was fear of losing contact with (and not returning to) reality, and I said yes, maybe.  I think that's part of it.  She said to pray for help to define it more and bring it before God, that he doesn't ever desire and won't do anything to break me - not like that.  He desires my wholeness, my wellness, my health.

Had a nice supper last night in the bookstore with instrumental music playing on SJ's CD player.  I'm beginning to hunger for the time spent with music as well as for the food.  Spent the last 3 hours before sleep finishing and beginning mysteries and doing puzzles.  Have some guilt for not praying, etc. instead, but wanted to take that pressure off myself and get back to sensing God's movement within me vs. doing the "shoulds."  Last night SJ joined three other women I know in wishing she could remove the word "should" from my vocabulary.

Later breakfast today because of discernment retreat here this weekend.  (After b'fast) I picked out the "Dream Work" book by Taylor from the bookstore, then walked for an hour.  Went to the east end of  town, sat on a swing at a school for 5-10 minutes, climbed a small hill and came back.  Then went to drugstore for glucosamine (to ease the soreness in my middle-aged, out-of-shape joints!).

So now am sitting and stretching with books and will do some reading before lunch.  Merton's What is Contemplation? is very helpful.

Aware this a.m. of a desire for more study in religion after this.  And (yesterday, too) of a desire to travel.

But what of my debts?!  I "should" have taken that teacher loan/repayment, I "should not" have spent so much money at the vet.  I "must" pay off the debts quickly and "should not" take on more substantial debt until I do.

But I'm afraid to work, 'though a bit less afraid of it today.  But I don't want to force myself into that idea.  School attracts me more, but I don't want to think about the future much at all right now.

Enjoyed 5-10 min. of mystery novel after lunch....I'm beginning to see that this is okay, good to do as a break/change in activity/brain work....After a little while I was done, ready to look at lesson for today - pondering my life in God, as it is.

I'm smiling over Job - the sarcasm in his replies to his friends, God's setting him and his friends straight - "Who do you think you are?!"  Reminds me of God's more gentle correction/instruction with Jonah - "Do you have a right to be angry about this?"  Read and meditated some on Job, Jonah, the Israelites (Dt. 1:27ff.) and me....

(Took a nap, then) woke up with Jonah, et al. on my heart.  I gave you a great family and home, then I allowed it to be a cage, a suffocation of shoulds and oughts.  Do you have a right to be angry about that?  "Yes."  I gave you great riches, I gave you pain.  You were told and dreamed of a fairy tale that did not come true; you did not receive the man you expected and longed for.  Do you have a right to be angry?  "Hmpf."  You walked, or felt you did, a part of this time alone, and came perilously close to death.  You sat with death for a while.  You made your bed in hell.  You jumped, and slipped, and I let you fall further than you believed was possible - you fell to the depths of your tolerance.  And yet I was still there, and I caught you, and I held you.  You could have wandered even further, but not without me.  I carried you.  I led you with fire and with darkness.  I sheltered you, I fed you, then I removed the comfort and let you live outside of it.  I wooed you, because I long for you and I love you, then I whipped out of sight so that you would follow me and grow more mature, so that our relationship could be even better.  I knew you'd follow - I put that desire in you.  Because I wanted you.  I knew it would entail some very difficult times and I knew you'd persevere, that you would ultimately be faithful to the knowledge of and desire for me that I gave you.  I knew we would be here (because he knows me, that the retreat is something I would do - not because of predestination).  I know you, and I love you.  And sometimes things may happen to you or within your awareness that have nothing to do with whether or not you did something right or wrong, or whether you deserve it or not, or whether I'm pleased with you or not.  Sometimes things exist because I want them to, for reasons you cannot know.  So mind your own business, lift up your head, and know that I love you and all is well.  I am holy and good, and you can trust me with your very being.  Your very life.

Oh Lord, I believe; help me in my unbelief.

1, 2, 3, 4.  1, 2, 3, 4.  My asthma prayer is my Jesus prayer for now - for focusing, breathing, calming, becoming still.  (When I have an asthma attack I calm myself and my breathing by counting slowly to four with every inhale, every exhale.  I've done it for years; counting to four in that way immediately begins to center me, so I chose it for centering prayer as well.)

the retreat - day 4 - Jan. 11, 2008

Focus for the day:  "Deepening in God's Love - Stand before God as you are...Know that you are loved infinitely, perfectly...You did not earn love...and you cannot lose love...Let God love you..."

From journal:  woke up at 11:00 p.m. last night...sought to pray in the sense that SJ means it - turned my mind (rational, analytical part) off and let go and was open to God.  Didn't sense anything happening but stuck with it for a while, then went back to bed.  Woke up a few more times in the night - not fitful, just waking up.  Early a.m. phone call woke me, and the Sisters' concern in looking for SM and in the apparent nature of the call drew me to prayer for them....

My "task" today is to deepen in God's love for me.  I find myself, since coming here, reflecting on community, living in it, and this one in particular.  Whether it be this congregation or another - I don't think I'm done learning about various kinds - I have found my ducks, my people.  I see what I belong to, and I am so deeply thankful.

People will arrive today for a large weekend retreat.  My meals will be in the bookstore/meeting room so that I can still eat alone and in silence - I am thankful for their arranging that.  George Winston was on the CD player last night - "December"?  I enjoyed that very much, along with my chicken and gravy, quinoa, carrots, apples, roll, and water.

10:55 - fitful a.m. - lots of phone calls and building activity - at one point I spent about 1/2 hour in the recliner enjoying the Savior of Zven. icon and Nouwen's reflection - he quoted Mt. 11:28 and part of Ps. 139 and that made me smile.  I went to the icon seeking peace, comfort, release from my anxieties and frustration and the busy-ness of the house....Generally grumpy.  Laid down, phone still ringing, people moving.  Slept some, but had fitful, angry, jealous, petty dreams - in one I'd sought refuge in my car from the noise and activity, feeling guilty for my lack of charity and prayer, and also miffed.

Took a bath and cleaned up self and room.  Now sitting back down with journal, icon, Bible, and God, to ask for forgiveness and peace.

After lunch I went for a walk - stayed on easy, level ground today as a comfort for my mood.  I came to the end of a street at the east end of the convent and remembered the Sisters' graveyard - the consolation of saints seemed like a good idea.  Enjoyed my walk to and through the stones - dated from late 1890's to current day - many Sisters died in their 20's and 30's in the older stones.  Sat for a while - so thankful for weather warm enough to walk and sit this week - and meditated on God's care for his creation.  Thought a bit about how uncertain I am about what I'll do after this retreat, and remembered Christ's assurance and God's care for sparrows and lilies, not to mention humans, and I observed the birds, squirrels, and men at a nearby plant, all working and receiving, their needs being met.  Prayed some for others, as I've been drawn to throughout last night and today.  Got back about 2:00, snacked and read a mystery for a while, covers pulled over my ears to block out the phone ringing and doors slamming.  Enjoying some blissful quiet now that their seminar has begun.

To bring up with SJ today - it seems like I define prayer much more broadly than she does - she seems to be talking about contemplation only (a Catholic thing?).  I feel that I'm praying throughout the day, but not as she would define it, and therefore it's not as good.  If my mind's engaged, I'm not doing it right, still need to draw closer to God. (?)  I don't doubt there's plenty of room to draw closer, but I'm viewing everything else I do now as negative.  Just my perfectionism?  What does God say, where is he leading me?  Will return now to readings for today in going deeper in God's love and seek his heart in this.

Also a bit homesick today for the boys and a typical Friday night with them.

the retreat - day 3 - Jan. 10, 2008

Things to focus on today:  gratitude for the way God works and has worked in my life, what graces do I receive and do I need, be aware, attuned to God's presence - "I become aware of God contemplating me in love."

Journal:  Did sleep well last night - thank you.  Woke up feeling rested, full of sleep, happy.  Looked at hand (tree shadow) on window and closed my eyes and imagined putting my hand up against it, palm to palm.  A light flashed (not lightning).  Dozed some more, heard the 7:00 bells for mass, rolled over and dozed some more again, enjoying the luxury of staying in bed.  Around 8:15 I sensed the call to arise and join the day, and I got up.  Went to 3rd-floor sun porch on my way down to breakfast - a very cozy room with chairs, plants, windows, afghans, and pillows - was delighted to see it was snowing!  Mused a bit downstairs over my Raisin Bran, but then finished up because I wanted to watch the snow.  Got some stuff and set up camp in the 2nd-floor exercise/sun room (3rd floor room is for Sisters only - oops!).  Had a delightful time watching the snow fall fast and light, big and little flakes.  Thought about how perspective can affect your perception, and therefore beliefs and actions about things - the snow falling, as seen through the mini blinds on the upper part of the window, where the spaces between the blinds was narrower, looked frenetic, super-fast and busy.  The snow seen through the larger spaces in the lower part of the blinds was still fast, but less so, less tight and pressured.

It's 10:40 now.  The snow has stopped.  I've been watching and thinking and resting and enjoying this time, in your presence, tremendously.  I went back to my room to get something, and I realized as I walked that something felt different, funny - I realized I was standing up and walking straight, shoulders back, chest up.  Read #579 in Appleton's Oxford Book of Prayer, which reminded me of the lesson for today and the reference to Ps. 136 in its style.  (The sentences below that begin with "Come" are from the OBP, prayer by St. Symeon.)

Arise, come, my darling, my beautiful one,
Come with me.
Listen!  My Lover!  Look!  Here he comes, the God of my life.
Who taught me of himself before I entered to world.
Come, true light.
Who gave me joy; I delighted in him.
Come, life eternal.
Who hid himself in between the words and ways of the old church, Calvary.
Come, hidden mystery.
Who hid beneath the scales over my eyes and heart.
Come, treasure without name.
Who rejoiced with me, taught me, cried with me in my growing up as a girl.
Come, reality beyond all words.
Who hid (or so it seemed to me), remained behind the walls of pain in my high school years, but whose presence and love were there, nevertheless.
Come, person beyond all understanding.
Who laughed alongside me, worked, rejoiced, loved, taught, and communed with others during the missions trip in summer '86.
Come, rejoicing without end.
Come, light that knows no evening.
Who went with me to Wheaton, that new, wonderful, frightening place.
Come, unfailing expectation of the saved.
Who wept with me and lifted me up as my Wheaton dream ended and the fight to live a life on my own began.
Come, raising of the fallen.
Who hovered over me, held me tightly, and saved my life when I fought to live in a more literal way, in the hospital with an asthma attack.
Come resurrection of the dead.
Who led me from Calvary to 1st Free, to a new vision of you and a door to a new life.
Come, all-powerful, for unceasingly you create, refashion and change all things by your will alone.
Who gave me people, resources, and experiences that opened a door, showed me ways to access a realization of you that I had hardly imagined, barely remembered, dared not hope for.
Come, invisible whom none may touch and handle.
Who gave me friends for life.
Come, for you continue always unmoved, yet at every instant you are wholly in movement; you draw near to us who lie in hell, yet you remain higher than the heavens.
Who wooed me then ran ahead - who granted me a taste of your incredible goodness, love, holiness, is-ness, then suddenly drew it away, to pull me further in.
Come, for your name fills our hearts with longing and is ever on our lips; yet who you are and what your nature is, we cannot say or know.
Who left me, but never fully released me, to look for you, to get to know you and myself and life, to grow up (in my early- to mid-20's) feeling utterly on my own, abandoned.
Come, Alone to the alone.
Who led me to special education and to a new discovery of you and of meaning in the souls of the kids I met and interacted with.
Come, for you are yourself the desire that is within me.
Who reminded me of my deepest, ever-present desire for you, even as the days grew darker and the burden grew heavier.
Come, my breath and my life.
Who would not let me die, who kept the dying fire within me smoldering, kindled, even when I was ready to let it go.
Come, the consolation of my humble soul.
Who led me back to life, to rest, to hope, to delight, to love, to new beginnings.
Come, my joy, my glory, my endless delight.
Amen.  Come, Lord Jesus.  Your love endures forever.

As I wrote this, the snow stopped, clouds moved away, sky became clear and blue, and the sun shone, rising higher.  See!  The "winter" is past.

Stayed in sun room until lunchtime.  Enjoyed lunch, then took shower, started laundry, washed my mug, paid for the retreat, and am now in the library at 1:30 p.m. to pray, enjoy some new reading, and write.  Am holding onto my small, wooden cross from St. James Episcopal....Reading some of Ps. 139 and Mt. 11:28-30 - freely, thank you - couldn't do that yesterday without feeling the old chains (of how I used to interpret the verses in Mt.)

I have enjoyed taking care of my stuff the last 2 days - it started when I saw and appreciated my place set for me at the table.  Then at the next meal I realized that my (cloth) napkin would remain and greet me as I left it, so I folded it more neatly afterward, to care for it and myself - hospitality - making bed, too....I'm finally doing these things in freedom - I want to do them.  Thunder clouds on the horizon - it won't last, you'll get trapped again, etc.  I don't fight them or try to eradicate them, but I do turn away from them, put my head down and look at where my feet are now vs. worrying about the future, and choose not to listen to those thoughts.  (Now I'm learning to actually love, show love to that part of me from where those thoughts come.)

I am clinging to my cross (from St. James)...

A bit hard to read, but this is my "autobiography" of my life with God - landmarks in my spiritual life - SJ asked me to draw it.  The girl at the top/center/right is me when I first became aware of God, and knew him well.  Pic. at top left is when I decided to leave behind what I knew/had been given by my parents, church, etc. and struck out to "find myself" and discover what I really believed.  At first I felt that I leapt off the cliff of safe familiarity into the unknown and God just let me keep falling and wouldn't catch me.  Later I realized I just fell further than I thought I would - God was waiting to catch me the whole time.  Next drawing is my crash in Iowa, same theme, falling further than I expected before being caught, and winding up safe.  Bottom left and center pics are times when I sensed God was wooing me, calling to me to draw closer to him and showing me that he loved me and desired to be close to me.  Bottom right sideways pic is my summer in Sweden, when I was free and there was little in the way of my communion with God.  Above that drawing is me arriving at Manna House, tired, dry, worn to nothing.  Desperately needing healing, rest, and reconnection with God.