Today, me to Grandpa: "Whoops, I'll be right back. I forgot the phone."
Grandpa: "You always forget something!" :)
Still having a rough time with depression right now, but it's been worse, so I'm not despairing. I'm thankful for friends and family that have let me know they care and are praying for me. I think going through my retreat notes and remembering that time with God also helps.
This a.m. I read in my journal: 3/5/10 - D. (one of my students last year) to B. (another reading therapist): "If I feel bad when I come in here (my classroom), Miss Kerri makes me feel better." It is breaking my heart that I can't teach and interact with students right now (because of depression, not because it's summer), or have any confidence that I will be able to do so consistently in the future. But I am able to care for Grandpa, and the timing of his needs and mine seem to have come together in a providential way.
Today on the news I heard about some fishermen in the Gulf struggling with depression because the oil spill has had such a dramatic effect on their jobs and livelihoods, and they were just beginning to feel like they were back on their feet again after Katrina. One fisherman in the story committed suicide. Because of the aching in my chest and the sorrow I have today, I was able to pray for and be with those fishermen today in their fear and despair. I don't have any idea if my prayers today had a different effect than they would have if I was feeling fine and just had sympathy for the fishermen, but today I prayed that since I was hurting too, could I be present with them in the pain and sorrow, and look to Christ for/with them for peace. This is an aspect of depression that I am thankful for, and at some level I choose to be or remain depressed sometimes because I then sense a deeper connection with others who are also hurting. Am I choosing illness in a way that God does not intend, or am I diagnosing as illness the deep feeling and sorrow I have sometimes, and is that actually a gift, a call to pray, a role for me in the body of Christ, rather than a sickness? I've been asking this question for a while, and I still don't know. I've tried to understand my depression to its depths, but now I believe God is asking me to acknowledge that I really know so little, that I don't need to fully understand the whys or hows, and to just live moment to moment, remaining in his love.
Also found a quote I like in my journal - "...Carole wanted to organize every moment of the future to within an inch of its life, while Jude was comfortably content to let events come to her...." Simon Brett
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
the retreat - day 3 - Jan. 10, 2008
Things to focus on today: gratitude for the way God works and has worked in my life, what graces do I receive and do I need, be aware, attuned to God's presence - "I become aware of God contemplating me in love."
Journal: Did sleep well last night - thank you. Woke up feeling rested, full of sleep, happy. Looked at hand (tree shadow) on window and closed my eyes and imagined putting my hand up against it, palm to palm. A light flashed (not lightning). Dozed some more, heard the 7:00 bells for mass, rolled over and dozed some more again, enjoying the luxury of staying in bed. Around 8:15 I sensed the call to arise and join the day, and I got up. Went to 3rd-floor sun porch on my way down to breakfast - a very cozy room with chairs, plants, windows, afghans, and pillows - was delighted to see it was snowing! Mused a bit downstairs over my Raisin Bran, but then finished up because I wanted to watch the snow. Got some stuff and set up camp in the 2nd-floor exercise/sun room (3rd floor room is for Sisters only - oops!). Had a delightful time watching the snow fall fast and light, big and little flakes. Thought about how perspective can affect your perception, and therefore beliefs and actions about things - the snow falling, as seen through the mini blinds on the upper part of the window, where the spaces between the blinds was narrower, looked frenetic, super-fast and busy. The snow seen through the larger spaces in the lower part of the blinds was still fast, but less so, less tight and pressured.
It's 10:40 now. The snow has stopped. I've been watching and thinking and resting and enjoying this time, in your presence, tremendously. I went back to my room to get something, and I realized as I walked that something felt different, funny - I realized I was standing up and walking straight, shoulders back, chest up. Read #579 in Appleton's Oxford Book of Prayer, which reminded me of the lesson for today and the reference to Ps. 136 in its style. (The sentences below that begin with "Come" are from the OBP, prayer by St. Symeon.)
Arise, come, my darling, my beautiful one,
Come with me.
Listen! My Lover! Look! Here he comes, the God of my life.
Who taught me of himself before I entered to world.
Come, true light.
Who gave me joy; I delighted in him.
Come, life eternal.
Who hid himself in between the words and ways of the old church, Calvary.
Come, hidden mystery.
Who hid beneath the scales over my eyes and heart.
Come, treasure without name.
Who rejoiced with me, taught me, cried with me in my growing up as a girl.
Come, reality beyond all words.
Who hid (or so it seemed to me), remained behind the walls of pain in my high school years, but whose presence and love were there, nevertheless.
Come, person beyond all understanding.
Who laughed alongside me, worked, rejoiced, loved, taught, and communed with others during the missions trip in summer '86.
Come, rejoicing without end.
Come, light that knows no evening.
Who went with me to Wheaton, that new, wonderful, frightening place.
Come, unfailing expectation of the saved.
Who wept with me and lifted me up as my Wheaton dream ended and the fight to live a life on my own began.
Come, raising of the fallen.
Who hovered over me, held me tightly, and saved my life when I fought to live in a more literal way, in the hospital with an asthma attack.
Come resurrection of the dead.
Who led me from Calvary to 1st Free, to a new vision of you and a door to a new life.
Come, all-powerful, for unceasingly you create, refashion and change all things by your will alone.
Who gave me people, resources, and experiences that opened a door, showed me ways to access a realization of you that I had hardly imagined, barely remembered, dared not hope for.
Come, invisible whom none may touch and handle.
Who gave me friends for life.
Come, for you continue always unmoved, yet at every instant you are wholly in movement; you draw near to us who lie in hell, yet you remain higher than the heavens.
Who wooed me then ran ahead - who granted me a taste of your incredible goodness, love, holiness, is-ness, then suddenly drew it away, to pull me further in.
Come, for your name fills our hearts with longing and is ever on our lips; yet who you are and what your nature is, we cannot say or know.
Who left me, but never fully released me, to look for you, to get to know you and myself and life, to grow up (in my early- to mid-20's) feeling utterly on my own, abandoned.
Come, Alone to the alone.
Who led me to special education and to a new discovery of you and of meaning in the souls of the kids I met and interacted with.
Come, for you are yourself the desire that is within me.
Who reminded me of my deepest, ever-present desire for you, even as the days grew darker and the burden grew heavier.
Come, my breath and my life.
Who would not let me die, who kept the dying fire within me smoldering, kindled, even when I was ready to let it go.
Come, the consolation of my humble soul.
Who led me back to life, to rest, to hope, to delight, to love, to new beginnings.
Come, my joy, my glory, my endless delight.
Amen. Come, Lord Jesus. Your love endures forever.
As I wrote this, the snow stopped, clouds moved away, sky became clear and blue, and the sun shone, rising higher. See! The "winter" is past.
Stayed in sun room until lunchtime. Enjoyed lunch, then took shower, started laundry, washed my mug, paid for the retreat, and am now in the library at 1:30 p.m. to pray, enjoy some new reading, and write. Am holding onto my small, wooden cross from St. James Episcopal....Reading some of Ps. 139 and Mt. 11:28-30 - freely, thank you - couldn't do that yesterday without feeling the old chains (of how I used to interpret the verses in Mt.)
I have enjoyed taking care of my stuff the last 2 days - it started when I saw and appreciated my place set for me at the table. Then at the next meal I realized that my (cloth) napkin would remain and greet me as I left it, so I folded it more neatly afterward, to care for it and myself - hospitality - making bed, too....I'm finally doing these things in freedom - I want to do them. Thunder clouds on the horizon - it won't last, you'll get trapped again, etc. I don't fight them or try to eradicate them, but I do turn away from them, put my head down and look at where my feet are now vs. worrying about the future, and choose not to listen to those thoughts. (Now I'm learning to actually love, show love to that part of me from where those thoughts come.)
I am clinging to my cross (from St. James)...
A bit hard to read, but this is my "autobiography" of my life with God - landmarks in my spiritual life - SJ asked me to draw it. The girl at the top/center/right is me when I first became aware of God, and knew him well. Pic. at top left is when I decided to leave behind what I knew/had been given by my parents, church, etc. and struck out to "find myself" and discover what I really believed. At first I felt that I leapt off the cliff of safe familiarity into the unknown and God just let me keep falling and wouldn't catch me. Later I realized I just fell further than I thought I would - God was waiting to catch me the whole time. Next drawing is my crash in Iowa, same theme, falling further than I expected before being caught, and winding up safe. Bottom left and center pics are times when I sensed God was wooing me, calling to me to draw closer to him and showing me that he loved me and desired to be close to me. Bottom right sideways pic is my summer in Sweden, when I was free and there was little in the way of my communion with God. Above that drawing is me arriving at Manna House, tired, dry, worn to nothing. Desperately needing healing, rest, and reconnection with God.
Journal: Did sleep well last night - thank you. Woke up feeling rested, full of sleep, happy. Looked at hand (tree shadow) on window and closed my eyes and imagined putting my hand up against it, palm to palm. A light flashed (not lightning). Dozed some more, heard the 7:00 bells for mass, rolled over and dozed some more again, enjoying the luxury of staying in bed. Around 8:15 I sensed the call to arise and join the day, and I got up. Went to 3rd-floor sun porch on my way down to breakfast - a very cozy room with chairs, plants, windows, afghans, and pillows - was delighted to see it was snowing! Mused a bit downstairs over my Raisin Bran, but then finished up because I wanted to watch the snow. Got some stuff and set up camp in the 2nd-floor exercise/sun room (3rd floor room is for Sisters only - oops!). Had a delightful time watching the snow fall fast and light, big and little flakes. Thought about how perspective can affect your perception, and therefore beliefs and actions about things - the snow falling, as seen through the mini blinds on the upper part of the window, where the spaces between the blinds was narrower, looked frenetic, super-fast and busy. The snow seen through the larger spaces in the lower part of the blinds was still fast, but less so, less tight and pressured.
It's 10:40 now. The snow has stopped. I've been watching and thinking and resting and enjoying this time, in your presence, tremendously. I went back to my room to get something, and I realized as I walked that something felt different, funny - I realized I was standing up and walking straight, shoulders back, chest up. Read #579 in Appleton's Oxford Book of Prayer, which reminded me of the lesson for today and the reference to Ps. 136 in its style. (The sentences below that begin with "Come" are from the OBP, prayer by St. Symeon.)
Arise, come, my darling, my beautiful one,
Come with me.
Listen! My Lover! Look! Here he comes, the God of my life.
Who taught me of himself before I entered to world.
Come, true light.
Who gave me joy; I delighted in him.
Come, life eternal.
Who hid himself in between the words and ways of the old church, Calvary.
Come, hidden mystery.
Who hid beneath the scales over my eyes and heart.
Come, treasure without name.
Who rejoiced with me, taught me, cried with me in my growing up as a girl.
Come, reality beyond all words.
Who hid (or so it seemed to me), remained behind the walls of pain in my high school years, but whose presence and love were there, nevertheless.
Come, person beyond all understanding.
Who laughed alongside me, worked, rejoiced, loved, taught, and communed with others during the missions trip in summer '86.
Come, rejoicing without end.
Come, light that knows no evening.
Who went with me to Wheaton, that new, wonderful, frightening place.
Come, unfailing expectation of the saved.
Who wept with me and lifted me up as my Wheaton dream ended and the fight to live a life on my own began.
Come, raising of the fallen.
Who hovered over me, held me tightly, and saved my life when I fought to live in a more literal way, in the hospital with an asthma attack.
Come resurrection of the dead.
Who led me from Calvary to 1st Free, to a new vision of you and a door to a new life.
Come, all-powerful, for unceasingly you create, refashion and change all things by your will alone.
Who gave me people, resources, and experiences that opened a door, showed me ways to access a realization of you that I had hardly imagined, barely remembered, dared not hope for.
Come, invisible whom none may touch and handle.
Who gave me friends for life.
Come, for you continue always unmoved, yet at every instant you are wholly in movement; you draw near to us who lie in hell, yet you remain higher than the heavens.
Who wooed me then ran ahead - who granted me a taste of your incredible goodness, love, holiness, is-ness, then suddenly drew it away, to pull me further in.
Come, for your name fills our hearts with longing and is ever on our lips; yet who you are and what your nature is, we cannot say or know.
Who left me, but never fully released me, to look for you, to get to know you and myself and life, to grow up (in my early- to mid-20's) feeling utterly on my own, abandoned.
Come, Alone to the alone.
Who led me to special education and to a new discovery of you and of meaning in the souls of the kids I met and interacted with.
Come, for you are yourself the desire that is within me.
Who reminded me of my deepest, ever-present desire for you, even as the days grew darker and the burden grew heavier.
Come, my breath and my life.
Who would not let me die, who kept the dying fire within me smoldering, kindled, even when I was ready to let it go.
Come, the consolation of my humble soul.
Who led me back to life, to rest, to hope, to delight, to love, to new beginnings.
Come, my joy, my glory, my endless delight.
Amen. Come, Lord Jesus. Your love endures forever.
As I wrote this, the snow stopped, clouds moved away, sky became clear and blue, and the sun shone, rising higher. See! The "winter" is past.
Stayed in sun room until lunchtime. Enjoyed lunch, then took shower, started laundry, washed my mug, paid for the retreat, and am now in the library at 1:30 p.m. to pray, enjoy some new reading, and write. Am holding onto my small, wooden cross from St. James Episcopal....Reading some of Ps. 139 and Mt. 11:28-30 - freely, thank you - couldn't do that yesterday without feeling the old chains (of how I used to interpret the verses in Mt.)
I have enjoyed taking care of my stuff the last 2 days - it started when I saw and appreciated my place set for me at the table. Then at the next meal I realized that my (cloth) napkin would remain and greet me as I left it, so I folded it more neatly afterward, to care for it and myself - hospitality - making bed, too....I'm finally doing these things in freedom - I want to do them. Thunder clouds on the horizon - it won't last, you'll get trapped again, etc. I don't fight them or try to eradicate them, but I do turn away from them, put my head down and look at where my feet are now vs. worrying about the future, and choose not to listen to those thoughts. (Now I'm learning to actually love, show love to that part of me from where those thoughts come.)
I am clinging to my cross (from St. James)...
A bit hard to read, but this is my "autobiography" of my life with God - landmarks in my spiritual life - SJ asked me to draw it. The girl at the top/center/right is me when I first became aware of God, and knew him well. Pic. at top left is when I decided to leave behind what I knew/had been given by my parents, church, etc. and struck out to "find myself" and discover what I really believed. At first I felt that I leapt off the cliff of safe familiarity into the unknown and God just let me keep falling and wouldn't catch me. Later I realized I just fell further than I thought I would - God was waiting to catch me the whole time. Next drawing is my crash in Iowa, same theme, falling further than I expected before being caught, and winding up safe. Bottom left and center pics are times when I sensed God was wooing me, calling to me to draw closer to him and showing me that he loved me and desired to be close to me. Bottom right sideways pic is my summer in Sweden, when I was free and there was little in the way of my communion with God. Above that drawing is me arriving at Manna House, tired, dry, worn to nothing. Desperately needing healing, rest, and reconnection with God.
thoughts/notes to self re: taking care of someone
I was thinking about how I still forget to do various little things when I'm taking care of Grandpa - one day I'll forget to give him his towel/napkin at lunch, another day I'll forget to offer him a mid-morning snack, etc. I've been helping him the last 6 months, a lot more so the last 2 months, and I expect myself to not forget this stuff anymore. But then I remember my work with students with severe/multiple disabilities, and how offering them choices and helping them attain as much autonomy as possible was so critical for their happiness and quality of life. We all need that, but you have to pay special attention to that with students with SMD, because so many routine tasks are done for them.
Perhaps it's okay that I forget little stuff with Grandpa. He always reminds me, and that gives him a chance to participate in his own caring. He has a medication that is a cream that you rub into his arms like lotion. When it's time for that med, I help him take off his watch and then walk away to get the supplies. The first several times I did that he kept holding his arms out, waiting for me to push his sleeves up, then he'd say something like, "Should I put my sleeves up?" and did it himself. As long as he can do that, and anything else, for himself, I will wait for him to do so, and help only when/as needed. When your life shrinks down to spending all of your time in bed or in a recliner, pushing up your own sleeves is a big deal. I won't play dumb or pretend to forget things, but I think I will be more intentional, more conscious of what I do and don't do for him, and continue to encourage him to be part of the process. He loves laughing at me when I forget stuff, anyway.
Perhaps it's okay that I forget little stuff with Grandpa. He always reminds me, and that gives him a chance to participate in his own caring. He has a medication that is a cream that you rub into his arms like lotion. When it's time for that med, I help him take off his watch and then walk away to get the supplies. The first several times I did that he kept holding his arms out, waiting for me to push his sleeves up, then he'd say something like, "Should I put my sleeves up?" and did it himself. As long as he can do that, and anything else, for himself, I will wait for him to do so, and help only when/as needed. When your life shrinks down to spending all of your time in bed or in a recliner, pushing up your own sleeves is a big deal. I won't play dumb or pretend to forget things, but I think I will be more intentional, more conscious of what I do and don't do for him, and continue to encourage him to be part of the process. He loves laughing at me when I forget stuff, anyway.
cicada 1, Oliver 0
We just had a pre-dawn potty run, and Ollie startled a cicada that was hanging out on the porch. It buzzed and flew along the porch surface and startled O. back. Ollie's curiosity was peaked. He kept following the cicada, which kept buzzing and staying low. Every time the cicada would stop, Ollie would try to sniff it again and figure out what it was and stirred up the insect again, and the insect buzzed and flew and startled Ollie again. Finally, the cicada flew higher, and then began dive bombing Oliver, who ducked, blinked, and wondered what he'd gotten himself into for several seconds. Then the cicada flew out of range. Oliver looked for it but couldn't find it, so he peed on a weed, secure once again in his doggie masculinity.
(Is this even interesting to anyone besides Ollie's amused Mama?)
(Is this even interesting to anyone besides Ollie's amused Mama?)
Friday, July 2, 2010
the retreat - day 2 - Jan. 9, 2008
Journal: 6:27 a.m. - rougher night - bad dreams - anything to do with the peanuts and Coke, or are we getting into the nitty gritty now?
7:30 a.m. - stretch, breathe, read scripture and choose passage for prayer (from sheet given to me the night before by SJ during our meeting - the word/thought/thing to keep in mind for next 24 hours is "God's Invitation - Listen to God's invitation to 'come.' Rest in it. Marvel at it. Get in touch with what it evokes in you.") - looked at passages from sheet and remembered other favorites - 1 Kgs. 19, Ps. 42 and 62, Isa. 6, Rev. 4 and other Rev.
8:30-ish a.m. - have (finally) selected passage(s) for prayer - Song of Sol. 2:13 - "...my darling, my beautiful one, come with me," and "...the God of my life." Ps. 42:8 - "By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me."
8:30-ish a.m. - walk, enjoyed (train crossing bells), anticipated and enjoyed the coming of the train - "Listen! Look!" happy again
9:30 - back, stopped in chapel
10:00 - at laptop - get down less intimate thoughts, questions, ideas
10:30 - in recliner with Bible - verses in Rev. 3 - what he opens/shuts no one can shut/open - and, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."
12:45 p.m. - Wal-Mart - stayed quiet
1:30 p.m. - park at Motherhouse and pray
"...and she will be loved, and she will be loved..." (going through my head)
remembering, rediscovering your love for me again - the love of a lover, for his beloved
am clean/took shower at 11:00...I felt, a little bit of me, beautiful
less insecure and self-conscious, love and prayer for --- and more compassion, letting go of resentment, judgment...
returning to daily life means picking up some burdens again, to me - some which trap me, kill my spirit
have so much regard for God, for what you think of me and my choices, actions, etc. and have so little regard, if any, for what any other person thinks about them...
home (at MH) around 2:35, very tired and legs sore...in bed at 3:00 and thought I'd sleep but didn't, up around 4:00 and took hot bath...legs better, getting ready to meet with SJ
themes from today: bad night, remembrance of former intimacy with Christ/God, felt close and loved, restless in the afternoon in legs and mind, very undisciplined, got a bit bored with "God loves me" and wanted to move on, but I didn't because of SJ's recommendation to stay with this idea today
good talk with SJ...the pull of God often followed by a countering pull away from God. I cried when I told her I'd connected again, renewed a level of intimacy with God that I'd missed and believed was lost to me forever. I cried when I told her my passages for the day were from Song of Sol. 2 and Ps. 42 - come away with me, beloved, my darling, my beautiful one...by day the Lord directs his love...a prayer to the God of my life - I love you, too.
Also from time with SJ - the delight, intimacy, knowledge of, and desire for God 16 years ago were gifts of grace - God's pulling away from me after that was also a gift, grace - my view of those years since, and of myself and my choices in those years is also softening - it was all within his grace, he never forgot nor forsook me, no matter how bad/mad I got - I never lost my sense of humor or my faith that God exists, and is good
ate dinner quickly - 5:45 p.m. - a lighter mode - couple of puzzles, then began drawing for tomorrow's work, then reading and snacking. Fun and rest.
...hope to sleep deep tonight
7:30 a.m. - stretch, breathe, read scripture and choose passage for prayer (from sheet given to me the night before by SJ during our meeting - the word/thought/thing to keep in mind for next 24 hours is "God's Invitation - Listen to God's invitation to 'come.' Rest in it. Marvel at it. Get in touch with what it evokes in you.") - looked at passages from sheet and remembered other favorites - 1 Kgs. 19, Ps. 42 and 62, Isa. 6, Rev. 4 and other Rev.
8:30-ish a.m. - have (finally) selected passage(s) for prayer - Song of Sol. 2:13 - "...my darling, my beautiful one, come with me," and "...the God of my life." Ps. 42:8 - "By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me."
8:30-ish a.m. - walk, enjoyed (train crossing bells), anticipated and enjoyed the coming of the train - "Listen! Look!" happy again
9:30 - back, stopped in chapel
10:00 - at laptop - get down less intimate thoughts, questions, ideas
10:30 - in recliner with Bible - verses in Rev. 3 - what he opens/shuts no one can shut/open - and, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."
12:45 p.m. - Wal-Mart - stayed quiet
1:30 p.m. - park at Motherhouse and pray
"...and she will be loved, and she will be loved..." (going through my head)
remembering, rediscovering your love for me again - the love of a lover, for his beloved
am clean/took shower at 11:00...I felt, a little bit of me, beautiful
less insecure and self-conscious, love and prayer for --- and more compassion, letting go of resentment, judgment...
returning to daily life means picking up some burdens again, to me - some which trap me, kill my spirit
have so much regard for God, for what you think of me and my choices, actions, etc. and have so little regard, if any, for what any other person thinks about them...
home (at MH) around 2:35, very tired and legs sore...in bed at 3:00 and thought I'd sleep but didn't, up around 4:00 and took hot bath...legs better, getting ready to meet with SJ
themes from today: bad night, remembrance of former intimacy with Christ/God, felt close and loved, restless in the afternoon in legs and mind, very undisciplined, got a bit bored with "God loves me" and wanted to move on, but I didn't because of SJ's recommendation to stay with this idea today
good talk with SJ...the pull of God often followed by a countering pull away from God. I cried when I told her I'd connected again, renewed a level of intimacy with God that I'd missed and believed was lost to me forever. I cried when I told her my passages for the day were from Song of Sol. 2 and Ps. 42 - come away with me, beloved, my darling, my beautiful one...by day the Lord directs his love...a prayer to the God of my life - I love you, too.
Also from time with SJ - the delight, intimacy, knowledge of, and desire for God 16 years ago were gifts of grace - God's pulling away from me after that was also a gift, grace - my view of those years since, and of myself and my choices in those years is also softening - it was all within his grace, he never forgot nor forsook me, no matter how bad/mad I got - I never lost my sense of humor or my faith that God exists, and is good
ate dinner quickly - 5:45 p.m. - a lighter mode - couple of puzzles, then began drawing for tomorrow's work, then reading and snacking. Fun and rest.
...hope to sleep deep tonight
Thursday, July 1, 2010
choosing life 07/01/10
Was behind a big, shiny Nissan Quest today that had a bumper sticker promoting a Republican, one of those oval stickers with 3 letters on it that comes from other countries, and another bumper sticker that said, "You think health care is expensive now? Wait until it's free!" Yes, I thought, heaven forbid that you should help others with health care and have to drive a used car as a result and only be able to travel in the Lower 48! Then I felt the judgment like bile rising within me and I shook my head at myself and sighed.
Okay, depression sucks. Yes, I am still thankful for it overall, and no, if given the choice, I don't think I'd choose a different life, but it still sucks. The last few days I've been low and just...off. Feeling bad in a way you can only understand if you've been there - it's so hard to describe. Able to continue to work with Grandpa, but, I realized last night, if I were still a teacher I wouldn't be able to teach. Which just made me feel worse. Later, in the book I'm reading, one character laughed at another and told her not to take herself so seriously, and that helped me feel better. It's things like that lately, flashes of realizations or understanding God gives me, that help pull me out of the muck. I've tried cognitive behavior therapy some (what are you thinking/telling yourself, what do you feel bad about, is it true, etc.) and while it has its benefits I wonder if for now I just need to stop trying to understand (i.e., comprehend, grasp, control) it and simply pray for help. It could be because money's tight, it could be coming from conflicts in relationships, it could be because my body's about to give itself its monthly party for being a woman. It could be a chemical/biological thing. It could be all of those, or none. I don't really care anymore. I still feel bad, God, and I can't be well without you. Please help me be well. Help me choose life.
Okay, depression sucks. Yes, I am still thankful for it overall, and no, if given the choice, I don't think I'd choose a different life, but it still sucks. The last few days I've been low and just...off. Feeling bad in a way you can only understand if you've been there - it's so hard to describe. Able to continue to work with Grandpa, but, I realized last night, if I were still a teacher I wouldn't be able to teach. Which just made me feel worse. Later, in the book I'm reading, one character laughed at another and told her not to take herself so seriously, and that helped me feel better. It's things like that lately, flashes of realizations or understanding God gives me, that help pull me out of the muck. I've tried cognitive behavior therapy some (what are you thinking/telling yourself, what do you feel bad about, is it true, etc.) and while it has its benefits I wonder if for now I just need to stop trying to understand (i.e., comprehend, grasp, control) it and simply pray for help. It could be because money's tight, it could be coming from conflicts in relationships, it could be because my body's about to give itself its monthly party for being a woman. It could be a chemical/biological thing. It could be all of those, or none. I don't really care anymore. I still feel bad, God, and I can't be well without you. Please help me be well. Help me choose life.
stuff the dogs wish I could understand
Yes, it does matter where we pee, so quit laughing at us when we stand in line and wait for each other so we can pee on the same spot. The world may be our toilet, but it is not that simple, you airhead.
from Chester: Mama, if you would vacuum more often, I would sneeze less often, which means I wouldn't bump my nose on the floor so much. I am a short-legged, long-nosed dog with allergies - help me out a little!
We couldn't care less what you're on this earth for. Give us a treat and rub our bellies.
Squirrels, rabbits, and cats are the enemy and must be chased. Other dogs must be barked at. Especially when they started it.
from Chester: Mama, if you would vacuum more often, I would sneeze less often, which means I wouldn't bump my nose on the floor so much. I am a short-legged, long-nosed dog with allergies - help me out a little!
We couldn't care less what you're on this earth for. Give us a treat and rub our bellies.
Squirrels, rabbits, and cats are the enemy and must be chased. Other dogs must be barked at. Especially when they started it.
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