grandpa and choosing life 07/06/10

Today, me to Grandpa:  "Whoops, I'll be right back.  I forgot the phone."
Grandpa:  "You always forget something!"  :)

Still having a rough time with depression right now, but it's been worse, so I'm not despairing.  I'm thankful for friends and family that have let me know they care and are praying for me.  I think going through my retreat notes and remembering that time with God also helps.

This a.m. I read in my journal:  3/5/10 - D. (one of my students last year) to B. (another reading therapist):  "If I feel bad when I come in here (my classroom), Miss Kerri makes me feel better."  It is breaking my heart that I can't teach and interact with students right now (because of depression, not because it's summer), or have any confidence that I will be able to do so consistently in the future.  But I am able to care for Grandpa, and the timing of his needs and mine seem to have come together in a providential way.

Today on the news I heard about some fishermen in the Gulf struggling with depression because the oil spill has had such a dramatic effect on their jobs and livelihoods, and they were just beginning to feel like they were back on their feet again after Katrina.  One fisherman in the story committed suicide.  Because of the aching in my chest and the sorrow I have today, I was able to pray for and be with those fishermen today in their fear and despair.  I don't have any idea if my prayers today had a different effect than they would have if I was feeling fine and just had sympathy for the fishermen, but today I prayed that since I was hurting too, could I be present with them in the pain and sorrow, and look to Christ for/with them for peace.  This is an aspect of depression that I am thankful for, and at some level I choose to be or remain depressed sometimes because I then sense a deeper connection with others who are also hurting.  Am I choosing illness in a way that God does not intend, or am I diagnosing as illness the deep feeling and sorrow I have sometimes, and is that actually a gift, a call to pray, a role for me in the body of Christ, rather than a sickness?  I've been asking this question for a while, and I still don't know.  I've tried to understand my depression to its depths, but now I believe God is asking me to acknowledge that I really know so little, that I don't need to fully understand the whys or hows, and to just live moment to moment, remaining in his love. 

Also found a quote I like in my journal - "...Carole wanted to organize every moment of the future to within an inch of its life, while Jude was comfortably content to let events come to her...."  Simon Brett