Friday, July 2, 2010

the retreat - day 2 - Jan. 9, 2008

Journal:  6:27 a.m. - rougher night - bad dreams - anything to do with the peanuts and Coke, or are we getting into the nitty gritty now?

7:30 a.m. - stretch, breathe, read scripture and choose passage for prayer (from sheet given to me the night before by SJ during our meeting - the word/thought/thing to keep in mind for next 24 hours is "God's Invitation - Listen to God's invitation to 'come.'  Rest in it.  Marvel at it.  Get in touch with what it evokes in you.") - looked at passages from sheet and remembered other favorites - 1 Kgs. 19, Ps. 42 and 62, Isa. 6, Rev. 4 and other Rev.

8:30-ish a.m. - have (finally) selected passage(s) for prayer - Song of Sol. 2:13 - " darling, my beautiful one, come with me," and "...the God of my life."  Ps. 42:8 - "By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me."

8:30-ish a.m. - walk, enjoyed (train crossing bells), anticipated and enjoyed the coming of the train - "Listen!  Look!"  happy again

9:30 - back, stopped in chapel

10:00 - at laptop - get down less intimate thoughts, questions, ideas

10:30 - in recliner with Bible - verses in Rev. 3 - what he opens/shuts no one can shut/open - and, "Here I am!  I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."

12:45 p.m. - Wal-Mart - stayed quiet

1:30 p.m. - park at Motherhouse and pray

"...and she will be loved, and she will be loved..."  (going through my head)

remembering, rediscovering your love for me again - the love of a lover, for his beloved

am clean/took shower at 11:00...I felt, a little bit of me, beautiful

less insecure and self-conscious, love and prayer for --- and more compassion, letting go of resentment, judgment...

returning to daily life means picking up some burdens again, to me - some which trap me, kill my spirit

have so much regard for God, for what you  think of me and my choices, actions, etc. and have so little regard, if any, for what any other person thinks about them...

home (at MH) around 2:35, very tired and legs bed at 3:00 and thought I'd sleep but didn't, up around 4:00 and took hot bath...legs better, getting ready to meet with SJ

themes from today:  bad night, remembrance of former intimacy with Christ/God, felt close and loved, restless in the afternoon in legs and mind, very undisciplined, got a bit bored with "God loves me" and wanted to move on, but I didn't because of SJ's recommendation to stay with this idea today

good talk with SJ...the pull of God often followed by a countering pull away from God.  I cried when I told her I'd connected again, renewed a level of intimacy with God that I'd missed and believed was lost to me forever.  I cried when I told her my passages for the day were from Song of Sol. 2 and Ps. 42 - come away with me, beloved, my darling, my beautiful day the Lord directs his love...a prayer to the God of my life - I love you, too.

Also from time with SJ - the delight, intimacy, knowledge of, and desire for God 16 years ago were gifts of grace - God's pulling away from me after that was also a gift, grace - my view of those years since, and of myself and my choices in those years is also softening - it was all within his grace, he never forgot nor forsook me, no matter how bad/mad I got - I never lost my sense of humor or my faith that God exists, and is good

ate dinner quickly - 5:45 p.m. - a lighter mode - couple of puzzles, then began drawing for tomorrow's work, then reading and snacking.  Fun and rest.

...hope to sleep deep tonight

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