Thursday, July 1, 2010

choosing life 07/01/10

Was behind a big, shiny Nissan Quest today that had a bumper sticker promoting a Republican, one of those oval stickers with 3 letters on it that comes from other countries, and another bumper sticker that said, "You think health care is expensive now?  Wait until it's free!"  Yes, I thought, heaven forbid that you should help others with health care and have to drive a used car as a result and only be able to travel in the Lower 48!  Then I felt the judgment like bile rising within me and I shook my head at myself and sighed.

Okay, depression sucks.  Yes, I am still thankful for it overall, and no, if given the choice, I don't think I'd choose a different life, but it still sucks.  The last few days I've been low and  Feeling bad in a way you can only understand if you've been there - it's so hard to describe.  Able to continue to work with Grandpa, but, I realized last night, if I were still a teacher I wouldn't be able to teach.  Which just made me feel worse.  Later, in the book I'm reading, one character laughed at another and told her not to take herself so seriously, and that helped me feel better.  It's things like that lately, flashes of realizations or understanding God gives me, that help pull me out of the muck.  I've tried cognitive behavior therapy some (what are you thinking/telling yourself, what do you feel bad about, is it true, etc.) and while it has its benefits I wonder if for now I just need to stop trying to understand (i.e., comprehend, grasp, control) it and simply pray for help.  It could be because money's tight, it could be coming from conflicts in relationships, it could be because my body's about to give itself its monthly party for being a woman.  It could be a chemical/biological thing.  It could be all of those, or none.  I don't really care anymore.  I still feel bad, God, and I can't be well without you.  Please help me be well.  Help me choose life.

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