Tuesday, January 4, 2011

in process

What is this space, this thing, this animal that I name grief?  What is this strange creature that slides in and out of my life with no warning, no asking of permission, yet also no menace?  What are you, you

transformative and transforms itself
death, and new life, growth
fine one day, slammed the next
weary all the way down to my soul
"grief" is sanity, vs. "depression," "mental illness"
knock me upside head, out of blue, suddenly I have no skeleton, no inner support
it must be drugs, see your doctor, get your meds checked, they say
no, I say - this is different - we've all been watching too many drug ads - it's okay to feel bad once in a while - in fact, it's probably imperative
let me be sad, let me be
but if you can't function...
I will function, I am functioning - this is how people function when their legs get swept out from under them and they fall flat on their face - just give me a minute to recover and stand up again - and please, please, stop making assumptions about or trying so hard to know what is happening to me and what I need - you probably do it without realizing it - I know you love me, but this desire to "help" me is not that at all; it is a desire to solve the problem, find an answer, remove the pain - and you do not have the right to do that, nor have you been given that role...you do not have enough information to know the answers, and I choose not to give you much information - stop - don't be defensive - I love you, too - examine your heart, see if this is true - I know that desire to "help" well - I live with it and learn from it - do not let it come from a desire to know or control things that are not given to us - do not be afraid to let the pain, the uncertainty, be.
I do not welcome the uncertainly that is a constant part of my life, but I hope to, someday.  will she be alright?  will I?  We think we have to know more than we really do.  I have no idea what comes next.  All I can see is where I am now.  And I know that above all, underneath it all, through it all, all is well.
Let me be.  God is here.

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