Journal 8-4-07: Spent Wed. & Thurs. settled in, phone off. (Some family) worried, but I just needed a break and to begin getting ready for school. Backed out of going to J&A's last night for same reason, and because B. fam. is meeting tonight. I couldn't go to both, and I feel the B. fam. thing is more important now. But I did miss seeing (other) B. and his birthday celebration. Am sad about my limits and defensive, when I think of family's reactions, and working to grow thru it all and to truly love.
I'd been thinking I had another week after B&E left before school, (but teachers go back next week). Today as I think of returning to school/work, I'm filled with sadness, and I want to understand where that comes from....I've had the best summer in a long time....That time is coming to an end....I'll re-enter the school, and the world/life of...well, the things that come to mind are mistrust, fear, stress, fatigue, emotional drainage.
It (the concern about starting a new school year) is also about interacting with people, the need to be "on" to such an extent, for so much time. As I learn to relax my perfectionism, redefine my expectations and learn God's better, some of the stress goes away.
8-16-07: What a fantastic first day yesterday was! We all went to the office together to hand out cards - 7 kids, 2 peers (high-school students helping out), 3 paras, me, and a nurse. Whenever someone commented on what a big group we were, I said, "Yeah, and we're still missing 4 kids, a para, a nurse, and X is in the classroom!" It will be crazy but good.
I feel much different so far. Busy, sometimes, yes, but not lost in that, anxious. I feel happy and free.
Drawn toward Reaching Out lately - this a.m. read of hospitality toward others.
How little can I be "in" my job without losing my job? Don't get caught up in things that don't matter.