Journal: Fear/anxiety alternate with happiness. I'm guessing the fear has to do with the upcoming retreat and an unknown future. There is pain, an ache in my chest; and my hands shake. The happiness is for the possibilities ahead and the freedom.
Anxiety may be related to $ too....When I think about $ now I sense a dismissive, "Don't worry about the money." I interpret, translate that into Z's style of dismissing something, so I hesitate to trust it, but beneath, before the style, the tone, I think the message is there from God, not just wishful thinking on my part.
I will not fear I will not fear I will not fear. I don't want to be this alone. But I am, and am not. Can't I just go back (in time) and live a quiet, "regular" life? Are you calling me away from that or am I tripping myself up? Help me direct my attention to you, to where it needs to be focused. Thoughts of living somewhere else are adding to the fear - don't necessarily need to deal with that now. Question of where I'll live may be answered by what I'll do, if I learn that. (on the retreat)
Oliver is curled up into a tiny ball at my feet, under my chair. Chester is lying next to my chair.
Fear/anxiety re: living elsewhere are surprising to me to some extent, because there is so much about that that I don't fear.
Be still. And love.
Sending prayers, love, and comfort to remaining family members in a drunk driving accident in the northern US. (Also hoping to share, without hurting myself, in their grief.) I feel (sense my belonging in) this community - we humans around the world who hold each other when our times of tragedy come, cry with each other, and rejoice with each other, too.