Thursday, June 24, 2010

the retreat - Jan. 2, 2008

Journal:  Fear/anxiety alternate with happiness.  I'm guessing the fear has to do with the upcoming retreat and an unknown future.  There is pain, an ache in my chest; and my hands shake.  The happiness is for the possibilities ahead and the freedom.

Anxiety may be related to $ too....When I think about $ now I sense a dismissive, "Don't worry about the money."  I interpret, translate that into Z's style of dismissing something, so I hesitate to trust it, but beneath, before the style, the tone, I think the message is there from God, not just wishful thinking on my part.

I will not fear I will not fear I will not fear.  I don't want to be this alone.  But I am, and am not.  Can't I just go back (in time) and live a quiet, "regular" life?  Are you calling me away from that or am I tripping myself up?  Help me direct my attention to you, to where it needs to be focused.  Thoughts of living somewhere else are adding to the fear - don't necessarily need to deal with that now.  Question of where I'll live may be answered by what I'll do, if I learn that. (on the retreat)

Oliver is curled up into a tiny ball at my feet, under my chair.  Chester is lying next to my chair.

Fear/anxiety re: living elsewhere are surprising to me to some extent, because there is so much about that that I don't fear.

Be still.  And love.

Sending prayers, love, and comfort to remaining family members in a drunk driving accident in the northern US.  (Also hoping to share, without hurting myself, in their grief.)  I feel (sense my belonging in) this community - we humans around the world who hold each other when our times of tragedy come, cry with each other, and rejoice with each other, too.

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