Sunday, June 20, 2010

the retreat - June '07

Journal 6-9-07:  Why do I consciously refuse to return calls or answer letters or email, even as I wish for more and deeper communication with people, even with people I'm interested in interacting with?  It seems to spring from a desire for safety.  I'm protecting myself from getting hurt (how?), from losing my way, losing myself, getting off track.

I wrote a letter and an email that summer to a few family members, trying to explain my lack of communication and my desire to further separate myself from their ways of living and believing.  I didn't believe those ways were all wrong; they just weren't me.  As one woman put it, it's like the ugly duckling story.  I grew up thinking I was a duck, or a swan, or whatever, only later to realize I was very different, and that if I did not acknowledge that difference and live in my own way, my spirit would die.

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