Journal 6-9-07: Why do I consciously refuse to return calls or answer letters or email, even as I wish for more and deeper communication with people, even with people I'm interested in interacting with? It seems to spring from a desire for safety. I'm protecting myself from getting hurt (how?), from losing my way, losing myself, getting off track.
I wrote a letter and an email that summer to a few family members, trying to explain my lack of communication and my desire to further separate myself from their ways of living and believing. I didn't believe those ways were all wrong; they just weren't me. As one woman put it, it's like the ugly duckling story. I grew up thinking I was a duck, or a swan, or whatever, only later to realize I was very different, and that if I did not acknowledge that difference and live in my own way, my spirit would die.