Sunday, June 20, 2010

the retreat - July '07

Journal 7-8-07:  Fears re: work/job:
 - loss of job, loss of income
 - failure - not meet kids' needs, not teach things that matter most
 - having a poor reputation as a teacher
 - keep job, but be restricted in some decision-making - a loss of control

If I don't have that control, what then?  But I do, I must have some, some ability to make decisions, create and develop programs....

I can't think too far into the future - I don't know what will happen.

I know there is fear in me related to the job, and I want to nail it down and eradicate it, overcome it, at least face and name it.

(Reflections on the Exodus):  So, hey Israelites (specifically the ones who had known nothing but slavery in Egypt all their lives), not only am I (God) giving you all these nitpicky laws because you're so new to this whole God/religious freedom/autonomy thing that you need precise instructions on how to live before you can own it and flesh it out for yourselves, but I'm also giving them to you because too much freedom after centuries of slavery would scare you to death and be harmful to you.  I love you, and you need the security of these laws right now.  For years you have been told how to live, breathe, and work, and you are not ready or able to make many healthy decisions for yourself right now.  But a time is coming when you and all people are ready, are able to bear it.  A time and a birth is coming, a new possibility, a new being, existence, which will enable you to live outside of these laws.  Not without, but outside, to use them as a tool, a skeleton, to internalize them and their essence and live, act, and decide without being dictated to.  Now I am within you, and you are turned right-side out again.  (These laws will teach you more about me, yourselves, and how we can live in communion.  So let's begin; I'll teach you as we go.)

What was I so scared of?
"Who holds our souls in life,
and will not allow our feet to slip."  Ps. 66:9

7-22-07:  S's birthday party yesterday.  The joy of seeing him and his family grow up.  The party, the other couples and families there, being the only single person - I isolated myself, lived out my feeling of isolation, wanting again to some extent, but not achingly so, to belong, to not be so different all the time, to have a family or a spouse of my own so that I could fit in....Other fears are also present - I dreamed of X. planning and doing things with paras and administrators and leaving me out.  Pulled out Reaching Out by Henri Nouwen and am able to view this place where I am with some objectivity, some love and compassion and hospitality.  Not react to it with a knee-jerk shame, but instead let myself be here and also slowly move out of it.

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