Tuesday, June 22, 2010

the retreat - Jan. 1, 2008

Journal 1/1/08:  "O Lord, only you can count all the blessings of my life.  I give you thanks for the gifts of memory and expectation, for pleasure that comforts and pain that brings needed change, for deep meanings revealed and for that which remains unknown because I may not be able to accept it, for variety and difference in my world, for melody and silence, for all my senses...and above all for the overpowering feeling that somehow I am loved and accepted by You and that nothing can separate me from that Love.  In Jesus' name I pray.  Amen."  Diocese of Syracuse

"It is the Lord who goes before you.  He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed."  Deut. 31:8

The fear last night and today is very strong - I feel it intensely.  Fear of?  Being alone, not only without family or friends but without God, too.  Completely, entirely alone.  I know the arguments, the scriptures to quote in response.  And they do help; I believe them.  But the fear returns, quite easily and quickly....

Questions for the retreat:
- what's next, practically speaking?
- what do I need to be more aware of: something I'm clinging to?  Is there more that I fear - loss of true self/identity?  Other sin blocking me?
- how much and what kind of healing and rest do I still need?
-learn how to better care for myself and allow myself to be cared for
- what are the extents and natures of my true needs?
- what do I want, most deeply?
- one purpose for retreat?  To recapture and enjoy being in love with God.

In her book Clinging, Emilie Griffin quotes Karl Rahner:  "You have seized me; I have not "grasped" you.  You have transformed my very being right down to its last roots and made me a sharer in you own Being and Life."

lot of talk about detachment in books related to the mystical way - something I remember wondering about in the past - when you are detached from earthly, temporal things you are so free for other things.

Griffin again:  "To be called to the heights in prayer, however briefly, is to sense a new relationship with God beginning, and to be afraid."  Holy fear...

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