Journal 11-8-07: Talked with --- on 10/26 about reducing my time in classroom because of over-stimulation, stress, and asked about different options. He's talking to --- about possibilities. I made appointments with doctor and counselor....Mon. I worked all day in (another, empty room) on ---. It was a good day; I got the break I needed from the noise and busy-ness and wrote a good IEP. Tues. spent more time with kids. I knew, had known for a while, that the pressure was building again. Wed. did not go in, had dr. appt. and was very distressed. Didn't work Thurs. and Fri. and felt progressively better. Good appt. with counselor on Fri.
11-12-07: I'm going to leave the district and the FBC's. It's clear the current job isn't going to work, isn't working now, for me or them. Dr. talked about adding or raising meds. That may turn out to be necessary, but right now it seems ridiculous to me that I have to medicate myself this much in order to do my job. Since I feel fine (little to no depression or anxiety) in the summers (when I'm not working), I'm going to try changing the job and rebuilding my connection with God before I add more meds.
11-14-07: Went in and quit today. Am a bit sad and mad because I'm not able to live a "normal" life and keep a good job. But I know this was the only thing I could do - I'm not willing to keep stringing the district and FBC's along and not be able to promise if/when I'll be able to work. Not sure what to do next, though.
How much is a change of place necessary?
"Active love is labor and perseverance, and for some people, perhaps, a whole science." FD
At the bottom of this journal page I wrote the names of all my students as a way to remember them, pray for them, love them, and give them and their futures to God; the part I was steward of, anyway.
11-19-07: A bit sad today, was more so after I wrote that last entry - I will be careful. The tension's easing away bit by bit, and with it the rigid control with which I held myself together the last several weeks. Relaxing little by little into more restful sleep and deeper emotion (vs. feeling numb). Am thankful that I haven't had guilt or much uncertainty about leaving the district. It was the only thing to do. Had good talk with M. today.
11-25-07: I am going through and getting rid of old stuff....Am also rediscovering old items which take me back to various times in my life....Especially when looking at class pics from grade school - remembering that little girl and feeling sad - remembering the things I took for granted and the beliefs and expectations I had that life was simple and good, and that I would always be well-liked and have "normal" things - husband, family, job - and do very well with them. Also sad because I never realized, or fully appreciated, the things I did have - evidence of others' love and appreciation....Unable to fully appreciate, even sometimes unaware of the extent to which others cared for me....Wanting to move on from the mourning of broken dreams and a shattered world view and live with hope again, but without any agenda for what may come.
Wanting to flesh out, or allow and discover this hair of an idea I have been given that maybe all was not lost, not lived for nothing, lived completely in a fantasy that turned out to be false and therefore worthless. That that little girl was right, in a deeper sense, in her expectations of the world, of this life, and that her deepest dreams can still be realized.
"Salvage" - save, trash, dump, transform, redeem, rebirth, bring out, clean up
Being thankful without criticism for what I've lived, whom I've known, what I've been given.
11-2_-07: Anxious and sad yesterday and today. Not fearing those emotions much, though. I know they're part of the process.
Common themes right now - Jonah, God's persistence and love for J. and the Ninevites (?), do you have a right to be angry about _____; live from and with love, not fear; God's love for me; "conversations"/communion with authors through their books.
My self-protection shows that I believe if I do come out (choose life), the world/society/people will destroy me, that they are more powerful than me, that I cannot stand up to and through it all....But - I made myself face, confront, live, and function with my fears at work, thinking I would grow through that, and I did, but pushed myself too hard? Or somehow didn't quite have it right? Because I nearly destroyed myself, or was nearly destroyed.
As I meditate on Nouwen's words (in Praying with Icons) and the Trinity icon, I feel hope and happiness - the beginnings of them anyway - and sense a connection, a door opening, to God and Truth.
11-29-07: Dreams about students and staff - want to understand why I have such strong anger and insecurity with X. It's bringing out something I didn't know I had....I cling to the negative view of myself - unworthy, unloveable. I revel in that to some extent, with self-pity. Then I can comfort myself - poor me, no one loves me, no one could love you, have some junk food. I know that's not True, but I choose to turn my back on that Truth because believing the Truth takes some faith, takes an acceptance that some of this belief (that I am loved and loveable) won't be verified in the earthly way. It takes a willingness to be wrong, a risk that you will be hurt, and a self-confidence that chooses to move forward and live.